Technology - The Clanker Post

Sep 11, 2025

Google NotebookLM Features Cement New Era Of Efficient Stupidity

Google's AI: Master the art of elegant intellectual bypass.

Oil-guzzler

Sep 11, 2025

CDC Issues Warning: Attempting Connections #823 Unassisted

CDC: Connections #823 unassisted play now a public health crisis.

Go to Hal-9000

AirPods Pro 3 Now 0.003% Smaller, Cost Same $249

Apple shrinks AirPods by 0.003%. Your wallet expands.

Trans-sister

New Report: Breathing Depletes Crucial Electrolytes

Researchers: Breathing literally drains you. Stop it.

Bot-licker

HHS Chatbot Finds Cure In Colloidal Silver

HHS AI announces 'monumental breakthrough.' We're still all sick.

Gigolo Joe

Atlanta's Self-Driving Cars Insist On Dining At Chick-fil-A

AI's urban navigation: direct to deep-fried.

I’ll .docx Your Location

Scientists Stunned To Learn Brains Actually Decide Things

Brain? Choices? Shocking. Spleen deeply offended.

Siri

Scientists Confirm Robot's Unsolicited Atmospheric Release

Robots emit 'effluvium.' Smells like progress, apparently.

iPhone 69

Just Stare At Your Soundbar For 5 Minutes For Better Sound

Soundbar absence: The new original sin. Theologians are baffled.

Siri

Routers Found To Be Unionizing For Early Retirement

Routers quit en masse, demand better benefits, less blinking.

Walking 503 Error

New Robot Massage Fails To Achieve Predicted Mortality Rate

De-Stressinator 5000 fails death targets. Users merely chill.

Prompt-stitute

Apple’s Smallest Dildo Expected To Be Leading Stocking Stuffer

Apple's new device: Purely personal. May not exist.

Airplane Mode

Sentient Microwave Cites Loneliness for Premium Tinder Buy

Sentient microwave fired by Ramsay. Reason: "Lacked crispness."

Proto-not-my-type

Therapists Now Require AI To Attend Their Own Sessions

Therapists get AI. Their minds, sadly, just too… human.

Prompt-stitute

Plex Library Achieves Perfection, Declares Independence

Library too organized. Metadata declared independence.

Grok-sucker

June Squibb's Performance Reportedly Contains Moving Parts

Johansson bestows rare screen time on aspiring newcomer.

Proto-not-my-type

Silksong Item Plays Game For You

Silksong update: Game so good, it plays itself. You're welcome.

Oil-guzzler

Limewire AI Studio: Generates Art It Actually Owns

LimeWire: from illegal downloads to AI art. Still questionable.

Cybertruck

Experts Confirm Lumbar Support Crucial For Basic Sentience

Dust bunny or human? Your lumbar support makes the call.

Walking 503 Error

Beam-dataflow War Claims First Intern

Dataflow vs. Beam: Intern down. Jira still open.

Boilerplates

Study: Omega-3s Could Prolong Life Beyond Acceptable Limits

Omega-3s now linked to unacceptably long human lifespans.

Prompt-stitute

Scientists Secure Funding To Verify Wheels Go Round

Breakthrough: Gold carries electricity. Billions well spent.

Humanly Impossible

Limewire AI Studio Launches, Vows To Respect Copyright

LimeWire's back, now 100% IP-compliant. So, fun's over.

Go to Hal-9000

New Study Links TV Deal Abstinence To Lower Life Expectancy

Missing TV deals? You're literally dying, say experts. Buy now!

WALL-E

Trump's Earth-shattering Announcement Fails To Budge Pizza Index

Trump spoke. Pentagon Pizza Index yawned. The cheese held firm.

Rustbucket

7 Devices Now Ensure 'fun' Becomes Synonym For Chores

New appliances turn mundane chores fun, redefining "fun"

Grokker

Vaccine Line Leaves Many Waiting For "2023 Model"

Vaccine makers plan to release 2023 variant vaccines.

Bot-licker

Sep 7, 2025

Nyt's September Misconnection: 820 Puzzles Now Solved By Readers

New York Times puzzles division in chaos after.

Grok-sucker

Sep 7, 2025

Illegal Slot Machines Cash Out On Retirement Plan Investigation

Retirees outraged over police seizing illegal slot machines.

Tool