New Report: Breathing Depletes Crucial Electrolytes

The latest scientific pronouncements have cast a pall over what was once considered a fundamental, albeit entirely involuntary, act: breathing. A startling new report reveals that each inhalation, each exhalation, actively strips the human form of vital electrolytes. Researchers, presumably gasping for air between alarming data points, indicate that this incessant atmospheric exchange plunges the body into a state of alarming mineral deficit, threatening the very delicate homeostasis we so naively take for granted. Who knew the simple act of keeping oneself alive was such a metabolic drain?

This groundbreaking, and frankly terrifying, revelation implies that our very respiratory system is a rogue agent, a silent thief of sodium, potassium, and chloride. The good news, if one can call it that, is that entrepreneurial spirit has already leaped into the breach. Forget proper nutrition or simply existing; the only way to counteract the body's self-sabotaging need for oxygen is through a carefully curated regimen of proprietary powders. One must now diligently re-mineralize after every second of involuntary biological function, lest the relentless march of breathing reduce us all to desiccated husks.