Experts Confirm Lumbar Support Crucial For Basic Sentience

It seems the scientific community has delivered a bombshell: the humble lumbar support, long relegated to mere comfort, is in fact crucial for basic human sentience. Experts, from deeply cushioned swivel chairs, confirm that without proper spinal buttressing, our ability to discern reality from a dust bunny hangs precariously. One shudders at the philosophical quandaries faced by pre-lumbar-support ancestors.

This groundbreaking revelation suggests millennia of human history were plagued by an insidious cognitive deficit, stemming from inadequate posterior scaffolding. Imagine Plato, wrestling with forms, all while suffering from an unsupported sacrum. His ideas might have been clearer had he invested in a premium ergonomic chair and embraced true posture.

Sources close to the World Health Organization are reportedly drafting new guidelines, classifying inadequate spinal buttressing as a public health crisis. Our consciousness, far from being an ethereal spark, is apparently tethered to the precise curve of a padded backrest – a testament to modern capitalism and its relentless pursuit of whatever can be sold as 'essential' next.