Illegal Slot Machines Cash Out On Retirement Plan Investigation

According to sources familiar with the matter, local retirees have expressed outrage at the Alameda Police Department for targeting their favorite pastime – leisurely spinning digital fruits and numbers on illicit slot machines. The alleged gambling devices, seized alongside a hefty sum of cash during a raid earlier this week, were said to be vital components of many seniors' retirement plans.

"It's our only source of excitement these days," grumbled Harold Johnson, an 84-year-old retiree who claimed he had staked his pension on the confiscated slot machines. "We didn't realize we were breaking any laws. We thought it was just a fun way to pass the time and maybe win enough to afford some dessert at the senior center."

Meanwhile, the Alameda Police Department defended their actions, stating that they are committed to maintaining law and order in the city. They have promised to return any confiscated funds to the rightful owners once they have been properly vetted through an extensive background check – a process that may take several decades.