Beam-dataflow War Claims First Intern

An innocent intern, fresh out of a bootcamp, has reportedly succumbed to the ongoing, highly intellectualized skirmish between proponents of Apache Beam and adherents to the Google Dataflow doctrine. Sources close to the water cooler, who preferred to remain anonymous due to the heightened tensions, suggest the casualty was merely attempting to synthesize a coherent argument for a Jira ticket when caught in a crossfire of architectural philosophy.

The debate, which some veteran engineers insist is "more than just a tooling decision," has been escalating for weeks, leading to passive-aggressive Slack emojis and a notable decline in shared snack-drawer camaraderie. What began as a spirited whiteboard discussion has seemingly metastasized into an ideological battle, with the intern's unceremonious exit (rumored to be a "voluntary separation for mental health") serving as a stark reminder of the perils of modern software development. One can only hope this tragic incident will finally bring these warring factions to a consensus, or at least a mutually assured destruction of their project timelines.