Scientists Stunned To Learn Brains Actually Decide Things

In a development that has sent ripples of mild confusion through the hallowed halls of academia, a global consortium of twelve esteemed laboratories has apparently confirmed that the squishy grey matter housed within the skull might actually be the primary organ responsible for making choices. Scientists, who previously posited that critical life selections were perhaps made by a particularly confident spleen, are now grappling with the implications of this truly groundbreaking discovery.

Sources close to the project, which involved painstakingly monitoring the neuronal activity of a rather bewildered mouse as it pondered the existential dilemma of cheese, suggested that previous theories about decisions being outsourced to, perhaps, the appendix or a particularly assertive toe, have now been largely debunked. The monumental effort, undoubtedly funded by millions in grants, promises to fundamentally alter our understanding of consciousness, or at least how a rodent picks between two identical food pellets.

Future studies are eagerly anticipated to determine if, indeed, these 'brains' are also involved in breathing or the occasional involuntary twitch, thus truly revolutionising the field of biological decision-making as we know it. We await with bated breath the revelation that hearts might actually pump blood.