Study: Omega-3s Could Prolong Life Beyond Acceptable Limits

It appears we are facing a truly dire predicament: the prospect of individuals living too long. Research suggests the consistent consumption of Omega-3 fatty acids, those oily little marvels, might be extending human lifespans well past what polite society, and indeed, national pension funds, are prepared to accommodate. While once lauded as beneficial, it seems we’ve accidentally stumbled upon a genuine immortality potion, albeit one that tastes vaguely of fish.

The ethical quandary now looms large: who gets to prolong their existence indefinitely, thereby consuming vital resources and clogging up the demographic transition? Experts are reportedly scrambling to identify 'certain people' who should perhaps *avoid* these life-affirming supplements. Presumably, this demographic includes anyone who hasn't fully contributed their weight in taxes or whose continued presence might delay someone else's promotion. The World Health Organization has yet to issue specific guidance on managing this burgeoning crisis of wellness, but one anticipates a public service announcement soon, perhaps advising against excessive brisk walking. The goal, after all, is a healthy, *manageable* population, not a perpetual one.