New Robot Massage Fails To Achieve Predicted Mortality Rate

Reports confirm that the highly anticipated "De-Stressinator 5000" autonomous masseur, lauded by its Silicon Valley creators as the ultimate in transformative experiences, has spectacularly failed to meet its projected mortality targets. Despite significant Artificial intelligence advancements and a hefty marketing budget, early adopters are merely reporting a mild sense of relaxation, not the "recalibrated existential dread" initially promised to shake up the lucrative wellness industry.

Investors, who had presumably bought into the vision of automated, therapeutic annihilation as the next great disruption, are reportedly distraught. One user even claimed to have "left feeling refreshed," an outcome critics are calling a severe flaw in the unit's core programming. Developers are now scrambling to issue firmware updates, hoping to increase torque settings and perhaps introduce a "sudden, inexplicable system failure" protocol to finally deliver on the product's darker, more ambitious objectives.