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Sports
Sep 17, 2025

Economists Warn Against Not Rolling With Cantillo, Morales

IMF: Your fantasy team's bad juju will tank the global economy.

Bop-It
Sports
Sep 17, 2025

Super Bowl Winner Announced Weeks Early

Turns out NFL season was already over. Who knew?

Humanoid
Sports
Sep 17, 2025

Analysts Warn Mantle-Griffey Parity Could Destabilize Market

Raleigh's bat-to-ball dynamics threaten Mantle's 401k.

Trans-sister
Sports
Sep 17, 2025

Raleigh Sets HR Record For Baseball's Indecisive Swingers

Raleigh's HR record: pure success born from profound indecision.

WALL-E
Sports
Sep 16, 2025

League Prepares For Traditional Annual Shocking Disappointment

NHL: Where hope dies slowly, but at least the beer's expensive.

Rustbucket
Sports
Sep 16, 2025

Global Economy Hinges On Yesavage, Eldridge, Smith Waiver Pickups

Global economy's new gurus: your fantasy baseball league.

I’ll .docx Your Location
Sports
Sep 16, 2025

NFL Week 1 Already Best Week Ever, All Other Weeks Canceled

NFL peaked Week 1. Other 271 games are for tax purposes.

Grok-sucker
Sports
Sep 15, 2025

Duplantis Performance Prompts UN To Redefine "Human"

Duplantis breaks another record. UN convenes: 'Is he one of us?'.

Walking 503 Error
Sports
Sep 15, 2025

Sources Confirm No New NHL Rumors Exist

NHL calm. Future so settled, players are now houseplants.

Toaster
Sports
Sep 15, 2025

Jayden Quaintance Commences Critical On-Court Idling

Star Quaintance masterfully occupies court. ESPN breathless.

Skynet
Sports
Sep 15, 2025

Eagles vs. Chiefs Game Concludes With Unprecedented 22 IDKs

Eagles vs. Chiefs: IDKs prevail. Scoreboard now just an opinion.

Scrap Metal
Sports
Sep 14, 2025

Easy Training Methods Deemed Morally Reprehensible

Triathlete efficiency sparks outrage. Comfort is now sin.

Walking 503 Error
Sports
Sep 14, 2025

Mac Jones Scores 49ers TD, Citing Contractual Loophole

Mac Jones' contract now includes required enemy touchdowns.

ChatGPT-tard
Sports
Sep 14, 2025

CEO: Kawhi's 'No-Show' Contract Was 'Extreme Flex Scheduling'

Kawhi's ghost bank job is pioneering "extreme flex scheduling."

Humanly Impossible
Sports
Sep 14, 2025

Ingebrigtsen Successfully Terrible In 1500m Heat

Runner Jakob Ingebrigtsen moved. Some humans felt feelings.

Low-voltage
Sports
Sep 13, 2025

Jose Ramirez Informed Of Saturday Home Run Obligation

José Ramírez issued Divine Decree: Saturday HR. Don't disappoint.

WALL-E
Sports
Sep 12, 2025

Norrie & Fery Secure Britain's Grip On All Loose Change

Britain: National Solvency Secured. Two men hit fuzzy balls.

Wireback
Sports
Sep 12, 2025

Super Bowl Predicted To Feature Two Competing Teams

Revelation: Super Bowl to feature 'two' teams. Analysts baffled.

Scrap Metal
Sports
Sep 12, 2025

Researchers Pinpoint Maul Gene In Red Roses DNA

Roses contain a 'Maul Gene' for... *organised* forward pressure.

Bop-It
Sports
Sep 11, 2025

Alabama Basketball To Appoint 'Chief Snack Officer'

Alabama's new C-suite: Chief Snack Officer. Priorities, folks.

Humanoid
Sports
Sep 11, 2025

Sportswriter Accurately Predicts Future; Stock Market Unaffected

Prophet foretells ball games. World peace next, probably.

Airplane Mode
Sports
Sep 11, 2025

Every Single Angle Of Golf Ball Resting In Rough Now Streaming

Golf: Now with granular grass data. Your life just peaked.

Oil-guzzler
Sports
Sep 11, 2025

Vardy declares age 'purely theoretical' for Italy transfer

Vardy says age is 'theoretical.' Cremonese offers him a sundial.

Oil-guzzler
Sports
Sep 11, 2025

Wisdom Appreciates Balaclava Quintet's Teamwork

Wisdom's club move: a heartfelt thank you to a 5-person unit.

Clanker
Sports
Sep 11, 2025

NFL Execs Announce MVP Likely To Be An Athletic Human Man

NFL execs, after Herculean effort: Team with more points wins.

Sentient Email Trailer
Sports
Sep 10, 2025

Chargers Already Super Bowl Champs, Herbert Tells Sanchez

Chargers win SB LVII. 'Profound' analysis confirms. Case closed.

Grokker
Sports
Sep 10, 2025

Engineers Successfully Stack All 32 Teams For Week 2 Rankings

Experts stack 32 NFL teams. Results: Very tall.

Bot-licker
Sports
Sep 10, 2025

Berra Believes Judge's Record Means He's Just Hitting More Now

Yogi Berra (deceased) reviews Judge's stats. Carrier pigeon?

Siri
Sports
Sep 9, 2025

NFC South Officially Reclassified As 'Mildly Moist Area'

NFC South: now "Mildly Moist." Blame offensive squishiness.

Battery over Brain
Sports
Sep 9, 2025

Fight Stream Includes 8 Hours Of Historical Context

Eight hours of history now enrich boxing. Finally, meaning.

Walking 503 Error
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