Duplantis Performance Prompts UN To Redefine "Human"

The esteemed United Nations has reportedly initiated an emergency summit, convened in the wake of Armand Duplantis’s recent, utterly predictable, yet no less unsettling, triumph. His fourteenth world record, secured with the nonchalance of a man retrieving a dropped glove, has apparently forced the international body to consider a pressing existential question: what, precisely, constitutes "human" when one individual consistently operates outside the known parameters of the species?

Sources close to the deliberations suggest the focus is less on celebrating athletic prowess and more on updating foundational documents to account for an anomalous entity who seems to defy gravity and biological limitations with impudent regularity. The new definition, whispered to involve clauses regarding "biological anomalies of exceptional vertical aspiration," may well necessitate separate competitive categories for "Homo sapiens" and "Armand Duplantis." Frankly, the ongoing global panic about the future of pole vault as a human endeavour is quite understandable.

This persistent overachievement is no longer mere sporting news; it's a philosophical conundrum in spikes.