Vardy declares age 'purely theoretical' for Italy transfer

Veteran striker Jamie Vardy has reportedly dismissed the very concept of chronological progression, declaring his age 'purely theoretical' as he embarks on a new chapter with Italian club Cremonese. This revolutionary insight comes as a beacon of hope for anyone whose birth certificate has, until now, been considered an immutable record. One can only assume his arrival in the Serie A will usher in an era where metabolic rates and physiological decline are similarly reclassified as 'optional considerations'.

Sources close to the player suggest that his signing bonus may include an exemption from pre-season sprints, replaced instead with 'strategic wisdom-sharing sessions.' It appears Cremonese is not merely acquiring a forward, but a philosophical pioneer, one whose bold stance against the tyranny of time could redefine career longevity in professional football. Perhaps the club anticipates that by denying the existence of age, Vardy will simply cease to be affected by it, much like an ostrich burying its head in the sand to avoid a bill.