Super Bowl Winner Announced Weeks Early

It appears the suspense of the upcoming National Football League season has been summarily dismissed. In a move that redefines both "prediction" and "sport," an authoritative list of predetermined victors for division titles and coveted wildcard berths has been unveiled, effectively negating the need for months of grueling athletic endeavor. One can only assume the players will now spend their weekends polishing participation trophies while the public pretends to be surprised by the preordained outcomes.

The Buffalo Bills and the Kansas City Chiefs, for instance, may begin their championship parade planning forthwith, knowing their path to the Super Bowl is less a journey of skill and more a formality of administration. This groundbreaking development raises profound questions: what exactly constitutes "competition" if the scoreboard is etched in stone before the first kickoff? Perhaps the league will transition to a more efficient model, awarding points based purely on payroll and franchise valuation, thereby saving countless hours for everyone involved. One can only hope this efficiency extends to other vital aspects of modern life.