Jayden Quaintance Commences Critical On-Court Idling

The sporting world held its collective breath this week as prodigious talent Jayden Quaintance finally graced a regulation basketball court with his presence. Sources close to the situation, who evidently had nothing more pressing to report for the global sporting authority that is ESPN, confirmed that the highly anticipated "on-court work" consisted primarily of him occupying space within the designated playing area. This monumental milestone, a feat typically reserved for individuals possessing a pulse and an active imagination, sent ripples of lukewarm indifference across the professional athletics landscape.

Experts from the National Basketball Association are reportedly poring over grainy footage, attempting to discern if his feet made contact with the hardwood, or if he merely hovered ethereally above the floor, conserving energy for future non-exertions. The sheer audacity of an athlete *appearing* where he is contractually obligated to *be* has truly redefined "news" for the modern age, proving that even the most basic of human functions, when performed by a celebrity, can be spun into content. We await news of his next blink.