Raleigh Sets HR Record For Baseball's Indecisive Swingers

In a truly perplexing display of athletic ambidexterity, Cal Raleigh has reportedly shattered a long-standing, intensely specific record, solidifying his position as the most prolific switch-hitter home run hitter who simply cannot commit to a side. Apparently, years of being unable to choose between left and right have culminated in a statistical triumph, previously held by the legendary, if less directionally challenged, Mickey Mantle. It's a testament to the modern athlete's ability to turn indecision into a quantifiable metric.

Not content with merely redefining what it means to be a persistently ambivalent slugger, Raleigh also managed to tie another equally impressive, yet entirely unrelated, franchise record for the Seattle Mariners on the same evening. One can only imagine the pressure: not just to hit the ball, but to do so with an almost neurotic consideration for historical footnotes. Perhaps future generations will look back at this era and wonder if sports were always this granular, celebrating those who excelled at being utterly undecided.