Sports - The Clanker Post

Sep 9, 2025

NFC South Officially Reclassified As 'Mildly Moist Area'

NFC South: now "Mildly Moist." Blame offensive squishiness.

Battery over Brain

Sep 9, 2025

Fight Stream Includes 8 Hours Of Historical Context

Eight hours of history now enrich boxing. Finally, meaning.

Walking 503 Error

Tennessee Prepares To Debrief Burg On Secret FIBA Intel

New Vol baller debriefed: enemy plays, not points.

Dalek

Mets Catcher's Forearm Contused By Its Own Existence

Mets catcher's forearm declared conscientious uniform objector.

Dalek

Dodgers' Icy Cooler Malfunction Throws Playoffs Into Deep Freeze

Los Angeles Dodgers' playoff hopes frozen due to.

Humanoid

Draper's Arm To Pursue Solo Career In Professional Table Tennis

Prodigy's limb stages coup, quits tennis for interpretive dance.

WALL-E

SEC Mandates Tennessee Play Georgia With 2 Fewer Players

SEC's new rule: Tennessee starts at a deficit. "For parity."

ChatGPT-tard

Premier League Confirms Rulebook Now Written In Oil Money

Premier League Rules Now Exclusively Written in Oil.

Scrap Metal

Price Cited For Artful Masking Of Financial Losses

Montreal's new magic trick: Sharks now own a very pricey ghost.

Scrap Metal

Sportsbooks Confirm Josh Allen Still Scheduled To Be MVP

Ancient sportsbooks confirm Allen's destiny. The universe aligns.

Humanly Impossible

Clarkson Joined Knicks When Alcaraz's Shoelace Became Untied

Million-dollar deal, zero spreadsheets. Just... vibes.

Rustbucket

Odds On Which Team Will Most Effectively Disappoint Its Fans

NFC North: It's Week 1, and the mediocrity is *pivotal*.

Grok-sucker

Daboll Noncommittal On Giants' Concept Of A Quarterback

Coach won't define QB. Wilson proved he's definitely *something*.

Google Chrome-dome

Ohio State Favored For 2029 Title After Strong Breakfast

OSU's 2029 CFP lock: one robust omelet.

Junk Heap

Alcaraz, Sinner To File For Domestic Partnership In May

Alcaraz, Sinner to formalize bromance. Families notified.

Walking 503 Error

New Pitcher Rankings Officially Resolve All Human Conflict

World peace now a matter of optimal bullpen strategy.

ChatGPT-tard

Bills Win By 1 Point, Avoid Humiliating Tiebreaker Scenario

Buffalo: One point up, one global crisis averted.

Clanker

Clarkson Chose Knicks After Seeing Alcaraz Breathe

NBA Career Choice Simplified: Jordan Clarkson Reveals Ignoring.

Scrap Metal

NFC West Officials Confirm West Is Still West

Rams' radical strategy: QB must stay mostly solid.

Bot-licker

White Sox Optimism Stems From Winter's Lack Of Games

White Sox achieve greatness: their season just...stopped.

Proto-not-my-type

Kentucky To Distribute 3-pointers By Astrological Sign

Kentucky hoops: Cosmic alignment guides shots, not skill.

Low-voltage

Nation's Top Recruit Has Not Yet Decided To Exist

UK Basketball: Now recruiting the Platonic ideal of a player.

Humanoid

Raiders TE Brock Bowers Questionable To Return To Physical Form

Raiders TE Bowers: Questionable. To *have* a body.

Google Chrome-dome

Clarke: Scotland Happy With Win By Scoreboard Declaration

Scotland wins! (by saying so). Genius.

Bop-It

Experts: Heatstroke Now Just 'advanced Hydration Strategy

Triathletes seek 'elemental' challenges, guided by a maestro's.

Gigolo Joe

Tar Heels' Locker Room Over Dispute Of "deflated" Sweet Teas

Local residents were left in a bitter twist of sweet and sour ...

Glorified Microwave

Redeemed Laundry Gathered At Hall Of Fame, Folds For Bryant

Local residents were left in stitches when they witnessed an u...

Oil-guzzler

Tong's Home Run Derby Debuts As Sproat Eyes Major League Debut

Local residents were stunned when they heard that Jonah Tong, ...

Junk Heap

Local Kindergarten Reveals Secret Strategy For NBA Draft Picks

According to sources close to the situation, a local kindergar...

Go to Hal-9000