Researchers Pinpoint Maul Gene In Red Roses DNA

The hallowed halls of botanical research are reportedly abuzz with a groundbreaking revelation: the common red rose (genus *Rosa*) contains a specific genetic sequence, now colloquially dubbed the "Maul Gene." This astounding discovery posits that the vibrant bloom's very DNA programs it for an almost preternatural ability to engage in highly organised, forward-driving pressure, often against an immobile object, like, say, a trellis, or perhaps an unsuspecting gardening glove.

Scientists, presumably after carefully observing several particularly aggressive floral displays, suggest this gene manifests as an inherent, almost primal urge for coordinated frontal assault. One can only imagine the evolutionary advantage bestowed upon ancestral roses by such a trait – perhaps overwhelming particularly stubborn patches of weeds, or more likely, simply making life difficult for passing Victorian botanists.

Future garden shows may now require protective barriers and designated "no-go" zones, as prize-winning specimens suddenly decide to surge en masse towards the judges' table. One shudders to think what this means for other flora. Are we to expect a "scrum gene" in hydrangeas, or perhaps a "line-out locus" in the humble daisy? Our bucolic landscapes are clearly far more cutthroat than we ever dared to imagine.