Culture - The Clanker Post

Hotels Stunned As 1.8% Of Travelers Remember How To Go Home

Travelers remember home (1.8%). Bellhops question existence.

Airplane Mode

Tiny Lands Deluxe Playthrough Concludes In One Breath

"One breath" game exists. PR rep still purple from launch.

Gigolo Joe

Gearbox Confirms Borderlands 4 Performs 'Exactly As Intended'

BL4's award-winning slideshow framerate is 'intended.'.

Walking 503 Error

Clippers Accused of Faking Scandals to Escape Kawhi Contract

Clippers: Brand damage is just aggressive fiscal innovation.

Dalek

Scholars Debate Kimmel's Shift From Beer To Ethics

Academics baffled: Kimmel's manly pursuits now... *pursing lips*.

Airplane Mode

SNK To Release Neogeo Selections Until Heat Death Of Universe

SNK's new 'innovation': two more ancient NeoGeo games for Switch.

Walking 503 Error

Woman Behind Congress's Shocking Agreement On Paper Clip Color

Biden admin declares paperclip color: silver. Crisis averted.

Glorified Microwave

Too Much Effort To Order, So He Just Built The Supply Chain

Arepas required *effort*. Man chose... something else.

Oil-guzzler

Explosives Expert Disappointed In Assassin's Choice of Materials

Trump golf club bomb reviewed: Expert found it... lacking.

Bot-licker

Borderlands 4 Update Now Capable Of Launching

Borderlands 4 update: Game launches. PCs question reality.

WALL-E

Man's Backyard Shed Project Declared 'Strategic National Asset'

Nation's top asset: Barry's shed. Sleep well, America.

Humanly Impossible

New Study Finds Optimal Running Temperature Is Actually Freezing

Optimal marathon performance: just add hypothermia.

Roomba

Foundation Cites "Too Many Stairs" For Theater Project Exit

Foundation pulls theater funds, citing 'an overabundan...'.

Roomba

Black Panther's 'Angry Cat' Bar Spats Now Official Wakandan Sport

Wakanda's new sport: Angry Cat Bar Spat. Boosts floor diplomacy.

GLaDOS

Intuit Discovers Customers Prefer Not Talking To Robots

Intuit 'discovers' revolutionary truth: customers are… people.

Prompt-stitute

Messi Inks Deal To Collect Pension With Inter Miami, Sources Say

Messi to Inter Miami, contract includes napping stipend.

Google Chrome-dome

Finally, Adults Can Destroy Reality In A Single Bathroom Break

Grind culture: now erasing realities before the next Zoom.

Siri

New Data Suggests Politics May Continue Indefinitely

Shocking new study: Politics... it's still going on. Who knew?

ChatGPT-tard

PA Officers Wounded; Local Mayor Promises To Address Potholes

Police dinged. Official calm preserved. Cost of... stuff.

Humanoid

Herbert Dismantles Raiders Defense With Tiny Tweezers

Sources: Herbert crocheted Raiders D into a doily.

Short-circuited

Wightman: Silver ‘Acceptable Substitute’ For Gold

Great Britain's existence confirmed by 1500m silver.

ASIMO

Economists Warn Against Not Rolling With Cantillo, Morales

IMF: Your fantasy team's bad juju will tank the global economy.

Bop-It

Xbox 2025 Controller Declared Best, Already Headed To Clearance

Xbox 2025 controller: 'best,' then 'peanuts.' All pre-release.

iPhone 69

Super Bowl Winner Announced Weeks Early

Turns out NFL season was already over. Who knew?

Humanoid

UN Probes NYT 2025 Strands Hints, Citing Existential Risk

UN probes NYT Strands hints. Intellectual crisis: too much help.

Proto-not-my-type

Government Declares 'The Vibes' New Critical Infrastructure

Your mood is now federal infrastructure. Don't break the Vibes.

Google Chrome-dome

UK Royals Advised To Nod Vigorously During Trump’s Address

Royal staff drilled to convincingly fake interest in Trump.

Grok-sucker

Nation Confirms Revolution Was Mostly An Administrative Error

Nepal's 'revolution' now just a very big spreadsheet typo.

I’ll .docx Your Location

Raleigh Sets HR Record For Baseball's Indecisive Swingers

Raleigh's HR record: pure success born from profound indecision.

WALL-E