Wightman: Silver ‘Acceptable Substitute’ For Gold

It appears the nation can finally exhale, as Jake Wightman has graciously consented to adorn a global podium with a hue that, while not precisely the colour of first place, is demonstrably *not* fourth. This momentous acquisition of silver in the 1500m event has, it is understood, sufficiently assuaged the collective anxiety of Great Britain, a country seemingly teetering on the brink of an existential crisis regarding its Olympic medal tally.

Indeed, the Tokyo Games, which had hitherto threatened to expose a fundamental flaw in the British athletic machine (namely, its inability to secure shiny objects), can now proceed with slightly less national self-flagellation. Wightman’s "acceptable substitute" for gold will undoubtedly be celebrated with the quiet, dignified relief typically reserved for finding a lost sock or the unexpected cancellation of a Monday morning meeting. One can almost hear the sighs of relief from the British Olympic Association, who can now declare this particular Summer Games a success, or at least, not an abject failure.