Foundation Cites "Too Many Stairs" For Theater Project Exit

The Foundation), an entity lauded for its discerning eye for societal betterment, has officially withdrawn its substantial philanthropic commitment to the restoration of the beleaguered State Theater. While observers had braced for the inevitable exposé revealing financial malfeasance or, perhaps, a deep-seated aversion to community arts, the actual reason cited was, quite simply, an overabundance of stairs.

Apparently, a previously unforeseen "vertical challenge" emerged from a rigorous, late-stage structural assessment. This shocking revelation – that a multi-story building might contain multiple stories *accessed via steps* – proved insurmountable. One can only surmise the sheer physical exertion required by potential patrons, or perhaps the board members themselves, when confronted with such a climb. It appears that even the most noble aspirations of historic preservation must ultimately defer to the immutable laws of gravity and, more importantly, personal convenience. Truly, the path to cultural enlightenment should not be paved with such strenuous pedestrianism.