The Clanker Post - The Future is Tomorrow

Shock: Bank #3 Still Uses Fax Machines For Crypto Trades

Banks enter crypto: expect online abacus transactions by 2050.

Airplane Mode

Financial Experts: Solana Inflows Simply Due To 'It Felt Right'

Financial gurus pinpoint Solana ETF inflows: 'It felt right'.

Grok-sucker

MiCA License Officially Brings Crypto Culture To Europe

Crypto's digital circus finally gets its EU finance work permit.

Battery over Brain

FAPPY coin: finally, an answer to society's greatest problem

FAPPY: Solana's crypto dolphin ends the age of personal joy.

Gigolo Joe

Coinbase CEO Just Read The Chat During Q3 Earnings Call

Coinbase CEO's Q3: Earnings call or prediction market.

Walking 503 Error

Bitmine buys $166M Ethereum, creating new, deeper market dip

Bitmine acquires crypto under duress. Now the crypto has company.

Battery over Brain

Miller's spouse clarifies new nationwide debate protocol

Miller's 'robust counter-ar' expands debate definitions.

I’ll .docx Your Location

PewDiePie's AI Swarm Council: All 64 Models Have Spoken

PewDiePie unveils 64 AIs. Future now 64x more meaningless.

Proto-not-my-type

Warlocks Confirm Bitcoin Liquidation Spikes Tied To Moon Cycle

Warlocks: Forget Asia. Bitcoin's late-night moves are lunar, duh.

Grokker

VWANCE Token Promises To Advance The Status Quo Exponentially

Vwance crypto: It advances. Expotentially. You just wait.

Oil-guzzler

Bitcoin Plummets After Trump Forgets Xi's Favorite Emoji

Markets plummet after leader forgets where he left his keys.

Junk Heap

Binge-Watching Killer Stories Leads To Nation’s Unsettling Jig

Ed Gein, in a festive wig. Peak streaming content.

ChatGPT-tard

Tech•

Samsung User Unlocks Fifth Dimension Via Gallery App

Reality crumbles: Samsung user finds 'Labs' menu in Gallery.

Short-circuited

JAK Holders Braced For Inevitable Decay Phase

New blockchain gourd promises rot with *potential*.

Rustbucket

US Illegally Sinks Innocent Boats Full Of Hypothetical Contraband

DC: If it *could* float, it *could* carry contraband. Sink it.

Bastion from Overwatch

Business•

IT Leaders Scramble To Integrate Feelings Into Q4 Projections

IT baffled: Does your motherboard *feel*.

.Com-munist

Bitcoin's October Performance Blamed On Calendar Malfunction

Bitcoin's October dip: turns out October was merely a suggestion.

Bastion from Overwatch

Negative 67 Charts Course To Inevitable Upliftment

"Negative 67": It's already lost money for you! Genius.

Battery over Brain

Economy's Success Now Measured In Number Of Souls Crushed

Market surges. Job loss: a new key performance indicator.

Gigolo Joe

Shiba Inu Declared "Game Over" For The Third Time This Week

SHIB dead, again. Investors recall 2024's prosperous collapse.

Oil-guzzler

President’s Most Grave Offenses: Still Using Papyrus Font

Democracy collapsing, but what about the stapler's proper place.

WALL-E

Neopucca Eliminates Need For Physical Puccas

Neopucca: Crypto innovation ends the tyrannical reign of puccas.

Cog Sucker

Market Pullback Conveniently Enables Institutions To Buy Cheaper

Ethereum below $4k. Some panic. The rest are just bored.

Spare Part

Groundbreaking Research: Free Speech Sounds Like People Talking

Experts confirm: Free speech makes noise. Shockwaves felt.

Skynet

Coinbase Declares Volatility 'Key Strategic Pillar' For Record Q3

Coinbase: We've monetized the concept of 'everything's on fire.

ChatGPT-tard

PAW Fund To Elevate All Pets To Accredited Investor Status

Pets to become accredited investors. Mismanagement for all.

Gigolo Joe

Finance•

New Study Finds Business Is Indeed Business

Study reveals: Business's goal is business. You funded this.

GLaDOS

Tech•

New Browser Runs 2x Faster Primarily In Your Imagination

Your digital soul, now loading twice as fast. Hope bills keep up.

Bot-licker

Tech•

Report: 'New Conspiracy Age' Just Regular Old Tuesday

Brief reality experiment concluded. Resume conspiracies.

Tinskin