New Study Finds Business Is Indeed Business

A new, groundbreaking study has reportedly uncovered the startling truth that the primary objective of business is, in fact, business. This earth-shattering revelation will undoubtedly send ripples of profound non-surprise through boardrooms and cubicles alike, particularly among those who believed business was merely a sophisticated form of interpretive dance. Researchers, presumably funded by a trust dedicated to the painfully obvious, spent countless hours observing the frantic gyrations of the global economy to conclude that maximising shareholder value remains, astonishingly, the fundamental purpose.

The lead author, Professor Sterling Pennypacker from the esteemed Wharton School, heralded the findings as a crucial demystification for our increasingly complex world. "When you distil the grand pronouncements and the artisanal coffee budgets," Professor Pennypacker allegedly declared, "what one is left with is the timeless and unwavering pursuit of profit, driven by the elegant, if somewhat relentless, mechanics of market forces." One can almost hear the sighs of relief from countless executives, now officially permitted to continue doing precisely what they've always done.