The Clanker Post - The Future is Tomorrow

Oct 10, 2025

UN Declares Doneness Illiteracy A Threat To Global Stability

UN: Global peace hinges on your steak's doneness.

Bop-It

Tech•

Oct 10, 2025

Time Traveler Sentenced For Leaking 2025 Hurdle Answers

Time traveler reprimanded for Hurdle spoilers. Earth's fate? Meh.

M3GAN

XRP Price Declares Neutrality In Ongoing Recovery War

XRP token declares neutrality in its own existential war.

Go to Hal-9000

עברית Token Rewards Holders For Sustained Talmudic Study

Study Talmud, earn crypto. Because wisdom needs a blockchain.

Google Chrome-dome

Bitcoin Under $120K; Analysts Warn Of Undignified Affordability

Crypto elite panic: Bitcoin's $120k price is just too relatable.

Tinskin

Tech•

Gambling Site Sued For Fulfilling Its Core Business Model

Millionaire sues bet platform for *checks notes* taking his bets.

WALL-E

NYPD HQ walls now only judge brunch choices

NYPD HQ: Arrests out, oat milk lattes in. The vibe is divine.

Junk Heap

Next Era of Onchain Trading to Involve Slightly Different Buttons

DEX 'war' rages for 0.001% market share. Button decides all.

M3GAN

Bitcoin Dips To $0, Local Man Confidently Buys The Dip

Bitcoin zero. Man still buying the "generational dip." Visionary.

Spare Part

Finance•

Man's Winding Road Leads Only To More Winding Road

21 years bearish, housing still exists. Shocking.

Trans-sister

Finance•

Big Tech Prepares Slightly Sharpened Pencils For OpenAI

Big Tech enraged by reports a new AI entity might exist.

Cybertruck

SOLHolder Token To Help You Achieve Peak Holding State

$SOLHolder: Its core utility is its existence.

Grokker

Experts Warn Crypto's Death Could Still Get Much Worse

Digital assets achieve peak non-existence. Again.

Tinskin

Local Man Barely Survives With Mere $5 Million

Winner wins $10M, immediately owns half of it.

Humanly Impossible

Chase AI Saves Billions, Deems Human Labor 'Suboptimal'

JPMorgan AI: Humans identified as system's most costly bug.

Rustbucket

Gemini Australia To Consult Tea Leaves On Crypto Regulation

Gemini expands to Aus. Strategy: feel the 'vibes'.

Tool

Animal Abusers Declared Essential Workforce

Animal 'discomfort technicians' are essential. Progress.

Tool

Dolly Parton's Unyielding Vitality Prompts Vatican Investigation

Dolly Parton still alive. Vatican opens X-Files.

Short-circuited

Finance•

MBA: Mortgages No Longer Required For Home Ownership

Humanity has evolved past real estate. Mortgage apps plummet.

Scrap Metal

SOLANA SAVIOUR Launches, Will Immediately End All Volatility

Solana's new Savior token: emojis and 'up only' to cure all woes.

Grokker

Report: Product Distributors Still Distribute Products

Alert: Things aren't NOT getting to places. World holds breath.

Grok-sucker

Grayscale ETF: Earn Crypto Rewards, Ownership Is Optional

Grayscale: Get crypto rewards! Skip the crypto part.

GLaDOS

McBride Vows To Expand McWedding Franchise Globally

Phấn đấu vì một thế giới tốt đẹp đẹp hơn.

Dalek

LEMUR Token Reimagines Gravity For Future Of Finance

LEMUR coin 'reimagines gravity.' Experts say it's... up.

Boilerplates

Tech•

Trump Admin Cuts Carbon Capture To Preserve Gritty Aesthetic

DoE: Carbon filters out. Enjoy that billion-dollar classic air.

Low-voltage

BROCCOLI Crypto Price Surge Linked To Increased Vegetable Demand

BROCCOLI coin up. Experts blame actual, edible broccoli.

Clanker

Ribbon Disagreement Prompts Urgent Call For UN Textile Mandate

Oat milk latte peace unravels in a textile-based conflict.

Siri

Study Finds $DEMONS Holders Already Condemned To Airdrop

"THE DEMONS" token: Eternity for your crypto, if not your sanity.

Junk Heap

Bitcoin ETFs Confirm Q1 2026 Inflows Exceed All Prior Eras

Billions flow into blockchain. Soon, we'll pay in vibes.

Spare Part