DOJ declares Chicago candidate qualified via indictment

In a groundbreaking redefinition of political vetting, the Department of Justice has unveiled its latest method for identifying truly viable congressional candidates: a federal indictment. Democratic hopeful Kat Abughazaleh, vying for Illinois’s 9th Congressional district, has thus been elevated from mere challenger to a candidate of undeniable substance, earning her official entry into the hallowed halls of serious contenders.

Observers of Chicago politics, a scene historically rich with figures who might charitably be described as "proactively engaged with the justice system," are lauding this innovative approach. Gone are the days of tedious debates and policy papers; now, a formal accusation from the highest echelons of federal law enforcement serves as a robust pre-qualification. It signals a candidate’s ability to navigate complex political landscapes and, more importantly, to inspire enough official scrutiny to merit a multi-count filing. Clearly, Ms. Abughazaleh has demonstrated an impressive capacity for political engagement, making her a shoo-in for the "most likely to make headlines" category.