Powell Assures AI Is Safe; Market Immediately Panics

Jerome Powell, the esteemed arbiter of our collective financial anxieties, recently offered the investing public the profound reassurance that the burgeoning AI sector is, in fact, not a giant, frothing bubble about to burst. His words, presumably meant to instill confidence, were met with the market equivalent of a toddler being told not to touch the hot stove. Predictably, the collective neural network of global finance immediately shorted anything with "AI" in its corporate mission statement, or at least, some of it.

While Chairman Jerome Powell diligently cut interest rates, presumably to oil the gears of an already greased economy, the investing class responded with its characteristic blend of prescience and utter chaos. Shares in firms deeply invested in Artificial Intelligence experienced a curious bifurcation: some plummeted faster than a lead balloon in an elevator shaft, while others mysteriously levitated. A particularly notable casualty was the entire concept of a stable valuation, closely followed by any remaining faith in human rationality. Even Bitcoin decided it was a good day for a minor existential crisis. It seems the only thing investors truly fear is a lack of anything to fear.