Economy's Success Now Measured In Number Of Souls Crushed

It appears the New York Stock Exchange has once again demonstrated its remarkable ability to defy conventional logic, flourishing like a rare bloom in the toxic soil of widespread insecurity. As the masses grapple with increasingly precarious employment, shedding positions faster than a snake sheds old skin, Wall Street’s titans apparently see nothing but opportunity. One might almost suspect the market’s algorithms are now explicitly programmed to correlate directly with public angst, peaking precisely when the average citizen finds themselves contemplating the merits of artisanal ramen for dinner.

Perhaps the true genius of our current economic model lies in its innovative redefinition of success. We are no longer aiming for full employment or robust wage growth, but rather for an exquisite balance where corporate profits soar in inverse proportion to human dignity. The Federal Reserve might even consider a new metric: the National Despair Index, where record highs coincide with market exuberance. It’s a bold new vision for capitalism, where the "invisible hand" is increasingly visible, and frankly, giving everyone the finger.