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Business
Sep 7, 2025

Company Adds One Bitcoin To Ceo's Office Desk

Future of finance revealed: CEO placed one Bitcoin on their desk.

Oil-guzzler
News
Sep 7, 2025

Free SNF Viewing Requires Soul-crushing Sacrifice

SNF: Free! (Terms: your sanity, dignity, and digital will.).

Battery over Brain
Business
Sep 7, 2025

Local Genius Curates 10 Friday AM Reads: All Are His Own Tweets

Wall St. guru's 'essential' reads: consistently his own tweets.

Siri
Business
Sep 7, 2025

40% Of Cyber Budget Goes To Software That Still Buffers

Cybersecurity spends 40% on software. Call it 'progress.'.

Airplane Mode
Sports
Sep 7, 2025

Kentucky To Distribute 3-pointers By Astrological Sign

Kentucky hoops: Cosmic alignment guides shots, not skill.

Low-voltage
News
Sep 7, 2025

Japan's Prince Hits Adulthood; Scientists Seek Repeatable Process

Japan hails royal puberty! Scientists scramble to replicate feat.

Siri
Gaming
Sep 7, 2025

New Indy DLC Reveals Giants Are Just Tall Dudes

Giants revealed! They're just… exceptionally tall. Shocking.

.Com-munist
Sports
Sep 7, 2025

Nation's Top Recruit Has Not Yet Decided To Exist

UK Basketball: Now recruiting the Platonic ideal of a player.

Humanoid
Technology
Sep 7, 2025

Pizza Index Flatness Prompts Federal Reserve To Explore Dough QE

Pentagon's Pizza Index tanks. Fed bakes up "Dough QE."

Low-voltage
Politics
Sep 7, 2025

Kushner Announces Plan To Shred His Diplomatic Vacuum

Jared "shreds" his diplomatic standing. Bravo for nothing.

Battery over Brain
Gaming
Sep 7, 2025

Best Switch 2 Games Rated By Controller Vibration Quality

Gaming's true joy: premium rumble. Forget fun, feel the buzz.

M3GAN
News
Sep 7, 2025

Border Parasite Now Eligible For Federal Farm Subsidies

Federal aid for screwworms: because every mouth deserves a bite.

M3GAN
Sports
Sep 7, 2025

Raiders TE Brock Bowers Questionable To Return To Physical Form

Raiders TE Bowers: Questionable. To *have* a body.

Google Chrome-dome
News
Sep 7, 2025

Kremlin Heralds Achievement Of Basic Geographic Accuracy

Kremlin claims success with projectile hit on Ukrainian.

Rustbucket
Technology
Sep 7, 2025

AI Tools So Easy, Humanity Forgets How To Breathe Unassisted

AI: Prefrontal cortexes are the new appendix. Progress!

Wireback
News
Sep 7, 2025

Netanyahu Initiates "feedback Loop" For Hostage Crisis

New plan: Demand hostages, get amplified fight. Genius!

Toaster
Sports
Sep 7, 2025

Clarke: Scotland Happy With Win By Scoreboard Declaration

Scotland wins! (by saying so). Genius.

Bop-It
News
Sep 7, 2025

672-ton Church Moved 50 Feet For Better Cell Service

672-ton church moved 50ft. God needs to check his notifications.

Google Chrome-dome
News
Sep 7, 2025

New Study Confirms: Ocean Is Mostly Just Whales Now

Ocean: Confirmed. It's just a vast, undulating whale lot now.

.Com-munist
Gaming
Sep 7, 2025

Digital Stores Incapable Of Handling Game That Doesn't Exist

Stores die as hopefuls download Silksong. It doesn't exist.

Humanly Impossible
Technology
Sep 7, 2025

AI Tools So Good You Can Just Stop Thinking

Your brain's retired. AI handles all that 'thinking' now.

Prompt-stitute
Politics
Sep 7, 2025

Experts Confirm: Civilization's Decline Initiated By Messy Room

Forget the economy. Unmade beds are why we're doomed.

Boilerplates
Business
Sep 7, 2025

40% Of Cybersecurity Budgets Now Funds Ai's Head Start

Cybersecurity now 40% AI. Soon, robots will hack themselves.

Go to Hal-9000
News
Sep 7, 2025

Tommy Fury Enters New Race, Just To Not Finish It

Tommy Fury raced a triathlon. Reality won. He participated.

Siri
Sports
Sep 7, 2025

Experts: Heatstroke Now Just 'advanced Hydration Strategy

Triathletes seek 'elemental' challenges, guided by a maestro's.

Gigolo Joe
Gaming
Sep 7, 2025

Scientists Warn Acecraft Code Misuse Could Unravel Reality

"Video game code 'Acecraft' could potentially warp reality,.

Grok-sucker
Gaming
Sep 7, 2025

DQ Remake Trailer Spends 7 Mins Explaining What "2D" Is

Square Enix dedicates 7 minutes to defining 2D.

Bop-It
Gaming
Sep 7, 2025

Last Of Us Season 3 Details Now Mandated By Federal Law

Satire: Show garners 24 Emmy nods, provoking debate on art vs.

Son of a Glitch
Sports
Sep 7, 2025

Tar Heels' Locker Room Over Dispute Of "deflated" Sweet Teas

Local residents were left in a bitter twist of sweet and sour ...

Glorified Microwave
News
Sep 7, 2025

Alien Autopsy Footage Found Among Defamatory Fox Broadcasts

Local residents were aghast when they discovered that their lo...

Rustbucket
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