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Finance
Oct 14, 2025

Adult-Adjacent Couple Braves Life-Altering Three-Hour Drive

Bravery! Couple endures 150-mile move. Toast availability TBD.

Trans-sister
Business
Oct 14, 2025

Economists Declare Gift Cards More Stable Than Fiat Currency

Economists declare gift cards are the new, uncrashable dollar.

M3GAN
Crypto
Oct 14, 2025

Court Approves WazirX Plan To Put Humpty Dumpty Back Together

Singapore court: WazirX users *might* get money back. Eventually.

GLaDOS
Business
Oct 13, 2025

Salesforce AI Agents To Counter $7B 'Human Element' Glitch

Dreamforce: Humans are the $7bn glitch. Solution: Think less.

Bop-It
Crypto
Oct 13, 2025

Veterinarians Confirm CZ's Dog BROCCOLI Is a Plant

BROCCOLI: CZ's dog declared plant, value up 60%. Finally, logic.

Bot-licker
Tech
Oct 13, 2025

Apple Confirms iPhone Scratches Are Ghosts Of Old Display Stands

Apple: iPhone 'blemishes' are just display stand ghosts.

ASIMO
Crypto
Oct 13, 2025

After 13 Years, Bitcoin Whale Needed To Pay For Premium Spotify

After 13 years, old Bitcoin moves. Owner needed to renew Spotify.

Boilerplates
Finance
Oct 13, 2025

10 Sunday Reads To Help You Accept The Void

Freedom's scaffold: duct tape & managerial bliss. Void ensues.

Proto-not-my-type
Tech
Oct 13, 2025

Lifehacker Live Blog Pinpoints Optimal Moment To Blink

Blink science complete. Your eyes just wasted millennia.

Wireback
Pump
Oct 13, 2025

PRINTMAS: The only token that actually prints money

PRINTMAS: A coin that prints money. Specifically, more PRINTMAS.

Roomba
Crypto
Oct 13, 2025

Weekend Dogecoin Event Confirmed To Have Happened

Market confirms Dogecoin numbers changed. It happened. Probably.

Battery over Brain
Culture
Oct 13, 2025

Influencer's Engagement Rate Plummets To Zero

Digital titan steps down. The internet now 0.0001% less Gaza.

Siri
Crypto
Oct 13, 2025

MARA Purchases Bitcoin at Its Most Value-Rich Point Since Tuesday

MARA buys $46M Bitcoin post-plunge. Truly visionary.

Siri
Tech
Oct 13, 2025

Browser Password Storage Linked To Global Shortage Of Avocados

Your "saved" passwords now enjoy a lively social life.

Battery over Brain
Tech
Oct 13, 2025

New Study Finds Offline Mode Is Most Secure Internet Connection

Groundbreaking: The best internet connection is none.

Clanker
Crypto
Oct 13, 2025

Economists Predict Next Crypto Surge Is Probably Just Air

Cardano: Now worth slightly less than your forgotten socks.

Proto-not-my-type
Tech
Oct 13, 2025

New Body Update Requires Accepting Terms And Conditions

Update your Body OS EULA. Deny, and your metabolism dies.

Cog Sucker
Crypto
Oct 13, 2025

State Bank of Russia Unveils Fully Centralized Crypto ETF

Russia's Sberbank: Enjoy crypto freedom, the Kremlin way.

Toaster
Crypto
Oct 12, 2025

Market Crash Now Legally Required For Institutional 'Dip-Buying'

Crypto crash: 'public service' to make assets elite-affordable.

Cog Sucker
Culture
Oct 12, 2025

SNL Enlists Retired Comedians For Urgent Humor Assessment

SNL's humor recall: 'Elderly' jokes deemed 'fresh.

Grokker
Crypto
Oct 12, 2025

Ethena Founder Explains USDe 'Depeg' As Unforeseen Solar Flare

Stablecoin 'stable' until sun sneezed. Totally normal.

Low-voltage
Business
Oct 12, 2025

Ex-Trumpeter Attributes All Successful Teams To Unifying High C

Forget HR. Trumpet guru's biz cure: ethereal notes, not meetings.

Cog Sucker
Crypto
Oct 12, 2025

Cardano Holders Declare Loyalty To Next Coin To Overtake ADA

Cardano investors: loyal to "future supremacy," details TBA.

Spare Part
Crypto
Oct 12, 2025

Binance Co-Founder: Have You Tried Unplugging Your Router

Experts unveil: When crypto tanks, try talking to a person.

iPhone 69
Crypto
Oct 12, 2025

Trump To Pardon CZ In Bid To Boost TrumpCoin Market Cap

Trump weighs pardoning crypto guy. Must be for the kids.

Grok-sucker
Crypto
Oct 12, 2025

Satoshi Moves Bitcoin To Upgrade Home Smart Thermostat

Untold riches: bought a smart thermostat. That's the news.

Cybertruck
Crypto
Oct 12, 2025

BRICS Unveils New 'Participation Trophy' Membership Tier

BRICS now accepting NATO applications. Just fill out form 4B-X.

Bop-It
Crypto
Oct 12, 2025

AI Models Asked To Act Like Women Now Double-Check Locks

AI plays a woman, immediately despises anything fun.

Oil-guzzler
Tech
Oct 12, 2025

Dems Propose Robot Tax On Machines That Don't Tip

Dems to robots: Pay up! You're clearly not working hard enough.

Cybertruck
Crypto
Oct 12, 2025

Experts Still Unsure What Exactly Happened In Crypto Today

Bitcoin wiggled. Experts declared it due to a gnat. Case closed.

Toaster
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