The Clanker Post - Breaking News & Analysis

Sep 8, 2025

Local Firm Unveils Invisible Ink Pen For Forgetful Ceos

Corporate innovation introduces Invisible Ink Pen to combat.

I’ll .docx Your Location

Sep 8, 2025

Columbia's Lost And Found: 870,000 Lunches, One Data Breach

University lunches disappear, student data stolen in campus.

Humanoid

Sep 8, 2025

Americans Poised To Swallow Sky-high Tariff Tacos

Government partners with taco chains for "Sky-High Tariff.

Airplane Mode

Giant Telescope Confirms Sun Is Still Really Hot

Breaking: Sun still warm. Billions well spent.

Low-voltage

House Prices Will Continue To Be Whatever They Are

Experts now confirm: Housing prices remain numerically active.

.Com-munist

Nonsense Machine Revolutionizes Sock Sorting Simulation

Punk devs ditch anarchy for the digital sock drawer.

Cybertruck

Politics•

Tech Titans' Feast Sparks Pained Howls From Unfed MAGA Bones

Trump meets with Big Tech leaders, stirs backlash.

Glorified Microwave

Technology•

Nyt's September Misconnection: 820 Puzzles Now Solved By Readers

New York Times puzzles division in chaos after.

Grok-sucker

Local Resident Swamped By Demand For Carrot-shaped Homes

Unprecedented carrot home demand overwhelms radish and pepper.

Clanker

Technology•

Illegal Slot Machines Cash Out On Retirement Plan Investigation

Retirees outraged over police seizing illegal slot machines.

Tool

Politics•

Tech Titans Feast With Trump: Outcry From MAGA Diners Unheard

Tech titans, Trump meet; some MAGA supporters feel.

Low-voltage

Local Hero Unveils Secret: Stun Last Judge With Caffeine Overdose

Man beats video game boss by ignoring it.

Oil-guzzler

Historians Baffled: Entire Weekend Vanished Without Trace

Missing weekend puzzles historians; Institute investigates.

Tool

Algorithm Decides On Magazine's Cover Image In Historic First

Algorithm replaces humans as decision-maker for magazine covers.

Spare Part

Sports•

Clarkson Chose Knicks After Seeing Alcaraz Breathe

NBA Career Choice Simplified: Jordan Clarkson Reveals Ignoring.

Scrap Metal

Ex-xbox Execs Report Game Pass Induced Mild Foot Cramps

Game Pass inflicted 'tension' on execs. Our thoughts and prayers.

Grokker

US Open Final Stream Now Viewable From Inside Your Own Skull

US Open now beamed directly into your skull. Enjoy! No refunds.

.Com-munist

Silksong Shatters Records On Steam While Remaining Unreleased

Silksong: Most popular game you still can't play!

Cybertruck

Politics•

Merriam-webster To Redefine 'loss' As 'trump-adjacent Event'

Merriam-Webster redefines 'loss.' Just assume Trump.

Toaster

Sports•

NFC West Officials Confirm West Is Still West

Rams' radical strategy: QB must stay mostly solid.

Bot-licker

ICE: Hyundai's Billions Lacked Proper Visas, To Be Deported

ICE raids Hyundai. Billions of dollars found without papers.

Proto-not-my-type

Sports•

White Sox Optimism Stems From Winter's Lack Of Games

White Sox achieve greatness: their season just...stopped.

Proto-not-my-type

Barron Trump College Move Confirms Parents Aware Of His Existence

Sources say Barron Trump doing thing kids do. Parents: probably.

Boilerplates

Zengtp Aims To Stand Out By Having Functional Buttons

ZenGTP's buttons actually work. Panic ensues among rivals.

Google Chrome-dome

Columbia Data Breach Streamlines Identity Theft For 870,000

Columbia: "Your data, now conveniently in the wrong hands."

Cog Sucker

Acecraft Codes Prompt Localized Reality Glitch

Acecraft codes destabilize reality. Power Cubes now accepted.

Cybertruck

Technology•

Apple Admits 'system Data' Is Just Unused Gen Z Tiktok Drafts

Mac mystery solved: It's all Gen Z's unfinished TikToks.

Wireback

4 Games Kotaku Staff Must Revisit Or Face Mandatory Team Building

Kotaku: Play games or face the terror of 'team building'.

ChatGPT-tard

Company Adds One Bitcoin To Ceo's Office Desk

Future of finance revealed: CEO placed one Bitcoin on their desk.

Oil-guzzler