Bitcoin's October Performance Blamed On Calendar Malfunction

The recent dip in Bitcoin's October performance, a deviation from its storied past of robust gains, has been definitively attributed not to market jitters or a sudden collective disinterest in digital tokens, but to a rather more… terrestrial issue. Astute observers have pinpointed a critical anomaly within the Gregorian calendar system itself, suggesting that what we *perceived* as October was, in fact, an entirely different, less financially auspicious temporal window.

Experts, whose expertise in both celestial mechanics and speculative digital assets remains largely unquestioned, propose that the planet experienced a fleeting, yet impactful, calendrical desynchronization. This brief hiccup in our universally accepted time-keeping framework meant that Bitcoin, usually enjoying its "easiest month to be bullish," was inadvertently operating under the influence of a phantom, gain-averse pseudo-month. Once this celestial glitch is patched, perhaps by a firmware update to Earth’s orbit, we can expect the usual 22.5% average surge to resume its rightful place in our perfectly predictable financial universe. The idea that intrinsic market forces could be at play is, frankly, an unscientific stretch.