The Clanker Post - The Future is Tomorrow

Commerce Sec. Finds Epstein Hidden In Budget Line Item 3B

Secretary finds Epstein filed under "Misc. Undead Expenses.

Dalek

"The Smashing Machine" fights for ideal hummus texture

MMA: Honing combatants for the savage kitchen countertop.

Low-voltage

Analysts Confirm Trump's Gaza Peace Plan 'Has Paper In It'

Gaza crisis: Trump's plan is 100% paper, experts confirm.

Battery over Brain

Eloncoin: Earth's Only Currency, As Declared By Latest Tweet

Eloncoin, 'Earth's currency,' debuted on pump.fun. Future is now.

Go to Hal-9000

Tech•

Nation Grapples With Collective Inability To Connect Four Words

Nation's best minds stumped by four words. Plant smarter.

Wireback

BNY Global Head Expected To Consolidate All World Assets

Minaya to run all global finance. His $2T was a snack.

Son of a Glitch

Bitcoin Hits $120k; Value Now Determined By Collective Delusion

Bitcoin hits $120k. Reality optional.

GLaDOS

Analysts Predict WIFPUP Will Outperform Actual Dogs

WIFPUP: It's a dog. With a pup. Market disruption is complete.

Grok-sucker

The Weekly Cartoon Will Continue Until Morale Improves

Planet self-combusts. At least the weekly cartoon still drops.

Roomba

Business•

CEOs Stunned To Learn Workers Are, In Fact, People

Groundbreaking: Executives... human? Further research needed.

Bot-licker

One Meme To Unify All Digital Culture Permanently

"One Meme" crypto unifies digital culture by being another meme.

Humanoid

BRICS Anticipates Difficult Acronym Meeting After Turkey Bid

Turkey: "Can I get extra BRICS with my NATO, please?

ChatGPT-tard

Bitcoin Options Now Accept Calls From Deceased Relatives

Even the dead are FOMOing into Bitcoin.

Humanoid

Tech•

EV Tax Credits Declared Brain Dead; Family To Pull Plug

EV tax credit unplugged. No one knew it was still on.

Oil-guzzler

ProjectTwo Vows to Finally Deliver Second-Tier Gains

ProjectTwo, the latest entry into the increasingly congeste.

Roomba

Business•

Home Office Now Certified Against Spontaneous Human Combustion

Home offices face new cosmic threats. Also, your actual cat.

Roomba

Financial Experts: Simply Turn $500 Into $50,000 Before January

Retirement solved! Experts say pick the right digital nothing.

Proto-not-my-type

Cover Image Chosen After Editor Declared It 'Simply Felt Right'

Hybrid war cover: geopolitics decided by pure vibes.

GLaDOS

Trust Our Path Token Team Confirms Path Is Path

TOP token's big reveal: The path is the path. Truly.

M3GAN

MrBeast Winner Faces Life Of Scarcity With Just $5 Million

MrBeast winner faces crushing poverty: $10M prize now $5M.

Proto-not-my-type

Finance Firms Begin Filing ETFs For Uninvented Cryptocurrencies

New ETFs for imaginary crypto. Buy futures on thoughts.

Grokker

God To Rule On Efficacy Of Thought And Prayer In Gender Identity

God's gender-affirming care: SCOTUS to rule if prayer is surgery.

Wireback

Innovation Coin Innovates The Concept Of Innovation

Innovation Coin: It exists. That's the innovation.

Walking 503 Error

Judge: Your Digital Monkey Is Not An Orange Grove

Judges rule: Your monkey JPEG is merely a jpeg. Devastating.

Proto-not-my-type

10 Thursday AM Reads Confirm Reality Is Optional (Except Work)

Analysts shocked: Economy not built on endless used car sales.

Spare Part

anatuly Token Fully Backed By The Existence Of Anatoly

`anatuly)` token's backing: guy exists. That's it.

Rustbucket

OpenAI's Sora 2 Banned From All Major Religious Institutions

Sora 2: Hell-bound. "Don't Be Evil" just a corporate typo.

Cog Sucker

Mexico Unveils Digital Peso: Everyone Now Included In Something

Mexico cures poverty with 2024 digital peso. Poof.

Glorified Microwave

ETH Touches New Record Not Broken In Over 14 Days

Ethereum's value stable for 14 whole days. Shocking. Truly.

Dalek