Finance Firms Begin Filing ETFs For Uninvented Cryptocurrencies

Financial savants at firms such as REX-Osprey and Defiance have once again demonstrated their uncanny foresight, meticulously crafting nearly three dozen ETFs for a glittering array of as-yet-unborn digital assets. One can only marvel at the sheer speculative bravado required to package non-existent cryptocurrency concepts, complete with features like staking and 3x leverage, before they've even graced a blockchain with their ethereal presence. It's truly a testament to modern finance's ability to extract value from... well, from the enthusiastic *idea* of value.

The meticulousness with which these instruments are being prepared, as noted by Bloomberg, suggests a market anticipating a truly diverse portfolio of speculative digital whims. Perhaps these funds are for future blockchain iterations of "digital lint," or "the precise amount of existential dread a person feels on a Tuesday morning." Whatever the underlying "asset," investors can rest assured that the financial plumbing is already in place to amplify their eventual gains, or more likely, their dizzying losses, with admirable efficiency.