CEOs Stunned To Learn Workers Are, In Fact, People

It appears a recent breakthrough in corporate anthropology has unveiled a truly astonishing truth: the individuals comprising an organization’s highest echelons are, in fact, sentient beings. This earth-shattering revelation, previously hidden behind layers of jargon and quarterly reports, suggests that these so-called “top teams” might benefit from a “deliberate, ongoing process” to achieve optimal performance. Who knew that treating people like, well, people, wasn’t a spontaneous occurrence but rather a concerted effort?

Industry analysts are reportedly scrambling to process the implications of this new paradigm. Apparently, cultivating a functional leadership collective—a group heretofore assumed to coalesce perfectly via osmosis and mutual ambition—requires more than just an annual bonus review. The research, which we assume involved extensive anthropological fieldwork among the species known as the modern CEO, posits that such an investment is not for the sake of basic human dignity, but rather to secure a “sustainable competitive advantage” over less enlightened rivals.

One shudders to imagine what other secrets the realm of organizational behavior holds. Perhaps next, we’ll discover that employees below the C-suite also respond positively to an environment devoid of existential dread. One can only hope the consultants are adequately compensated for these profound insights.