Finance•
Dec 14, 2025
Year-End Markets Flail; Experts Advise Burying Money In Backyard
Markets embrace 'utter pandemonium.' Inflation: doing great.
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Markets embrace 'utter pandemonium.' Inflation: doing great.
Banker confirms AI utopia means less work. You're welcome.
Bezos's wife is Kardashian #6. Blame the oat milk.
90% is crap. The other 10%? Branded crap.
West missed key power metric: China now owns all the paperclips.
Peacekeeping efforts now handled by a weekly doodle. Efficient.
Experts baffled: Half your family is "cognitively enhanced.
SK firms get 'headaches' from record stock rally. A true burden.
Pundits puzzled: Poor lack Scrooge McDuck money. A mystery.
Good news! Your shed is now a 7-figure investment opportunity.
Study: Men advance careers via strategic platter annihilation.
Harvard discovers AI functions best when it, you know, functions.
Coding skills? So last century. Ng says 'git gud at memes.
Existential dread? Try our discounted countertop convection.
Economic collapse? Climate doom? You're just a massive downer.
The Y2K bug is back! Our AI now thinks it's 1900. Again.
eBay breakthrough: Having the item helps with selling.
Businesses discover radical new concept: 'truth.' Panic ensues.
Amazon's sale: 3D print a new you. Existential dread optional.
One pilot, one plane, many mushrooms. A spiritual journey.
Morning wisdom condensed: 'Things are happening.
Modern inheritance: One man, one fortune, zero other heirs.
50-yr mortgages: Multi-generational character, zero equity.
Dow hits 50,000! Experts confirm numbers are merely suggestions.
Business legally defined as 'highly structured fidgeting.' Shrug.
Mom & 20yo achieve "dialogue" on luxury cruise. Science amazed.
No flights, no ATC needed.
Brenda's lawn confirmed: statistically greener from orbit.
Organic boards need lunch. Robots do not. The future is bland.
Experts baffled: Divisive CEO's brand appeal *questioned*.