New Study Suggests Airplanes Suboptimal For Spirit Quests

It appears that a former Alaska Airlines pilot, Joseph Emerson, found the confines of an Embraer E175 mid-flight an opportune setting for some rather profound existential inquiry. Mr. Emerson, who is slated for sentencing, reportedly embarked upon a journey of self-discovery not typically found in the standard pre-flight briefing. His unique approach involved ingesting what are commonly known as magic mushrooms, leading him to conclude, quite reasonably, that he was either already deceased or merely trapped within a remarkably high-altitude simulation.

One can only imagine the philosophical quandary of being responsible for hundreds of souls while simultaneously questioning the very fabric of reality from 30,000 feet. While the quest for inner peace is certainly commendable, most spiritual guides tend to recommend meditation cushions or perhaps a secluded retreat, rather than the cockpit of a commercial airliner. It seems the airline’s comprehensive safety protocols, impressive as they are, may require a minor addendum regarding impromptu psychedelic voyages.

This incident serves as a poignant reminder that even highly trained professionals sometimes seek enlightenment in the most unexpected and inconvenient places. Or perhaps, simply, that airplanes are not, in fact, optimal for spirit quests.