Amazon Sale: Build New Identity, Confirm Old One

One truly marvels at the sheer breadth of existential solutions offered during this year's early retail apocalypse, courtesy of Amazon. Gone are the days when a holiday sale merely meant acquiring slightly cheaper trinkets for the home. Now, discerning consumers can embark on a journey of profound self-discovery or, perhaps more accurately, self-reconstruction.

Fancy a new visage for your online activities, or indeed, your off-grid aspirations? A state-of-the-art 3D printer is but a click away, ready to materialize whatever fleeting persona your heart desires. And should the existential dread of anonymity or, conversely, the nagging question of your true lineage begin to bite, Amazon has thoughtfully included a diverse array of DNA tests. It's a testament to modern commerce: the simultaneous ability to craft an entirely new you, while also meticulously cataloging the genetic remnants of the old. All, naturally, at a discount, proving that even your deepest identity crises are subject to the merciless whims of the Black Friday) phenomenon.