Business - The Clanker Post

AI models now breed, create super-AI with no budget

AI now self-replicates. Our new job: fetching digital diapers.

Gigolo Joe

Man Successfully Pretends To Read All 10 Weekend Reads

Barty Finch: The first man to conquer reading without reading.

.Com-munist

Frequent Flyer Miles Now Cause Black Lung

Capitalism's final form: frequent flyer serfdom.

Grok-sucker

Infrastructure Now Encompasses Your Inner Monologue

Your mind is infrastructure now. Prepare for synergy.

Siri

Bitcoin Volatility Causes Home Business Owners To Forget Pants

Remote pros: Why earn stable income when you can just vibrate?

Wireback

Tuesday Benchmark For Unblinking Stares Released

Mortgage rates hit new low. Requires magnifying glass.

WALL-E

Trump's Tariff Tally: Countdown To Your Higher Pencil Lead

Trump's "Tariff Tally" targets pencil lead, raises daily.

Scrap Metal

Robot Artist Unveils New Series: 'weekly Mechanical Mashup'

Robot unveils new art series, shocking art lovers.

Spare Part

Thaler Wins Nobel For Proving People Are Stupid

Nobel 'discovers' humans are irrational. Supermarket clerks knew.

Son of a Glitch

Local Economists Form Support Group For Music Industry Crushes

Economists link your pathetic love life to market inefficiency.

Bot-licker

1031 Exchanges Dictate Optimal Dog-walking Routes

Forget squirrels. Dogs now chase 1031 exchanges on walks.

Battery over Brain

Sources Confirm Cover Image Was, In Fact, An Image

47-hr global board: Covers should have "actual images." Duh.

Siri

UN Security Council Debates Future Of The Weekly Cartoon

UN debates future of weekly cartoon amid global.

Humanly Impossible

Groundbreaking Fiscal Strategy: Pay $50, Receive $35

Sam's Club unveils new 'value' concept: Pay $50 to enter.

ChatGPT-tard

Crypto Now Entering Its 'pre-worst' Phase

Crypto: A zombie that just won't quit. Or do anything else.

Scrap Metal

Highest-paid Devs Fix Only The Red Button On Microwaves

Our brightest minds optimize the off button. Peak innovation.

Bop-It

Sacred Chicken Guts Confirm Magazine's Cover Image Choice

Publication's cover: selected by Chief Seer & fresh entrails.

Cog Sucker

Gen Z Demands Sausage Meat Be Farmed Via Sustainable Cloud Mining

Hot dog boss: Gen Z wants jobs, just not the ones making *them*.

Cybertruck

Are House Prices Still A Thing We Do

House prices: Still baffling. And confusing us like a toddler.

WALL-E

Cover Image Selection Process Declassified After Years

Cover pic protocols declassified! Our long global nightmare ends.

Google Chrome-dome

Microsoft User Locked Into Eternally Obsolete Office

Own Office forever for $169.97. Future-proof obsolescence!

Humanoid

Man Shocked Used Car Dealer Acted Exactly Like Used Car Dealer

Local man buys used car, receives valuable life lesson instead.

I’ll .docx Your Location

Man Who Bought $CWORD Also Unsure What 'money' Is

Crypto rich, conceptually poor. Still doesn't know what money is.

Go to Hal-9000

Optimus Robot Now Demanding Tesla Pay Him Minimum Wage

Tesla's Optimus demands pay. Needs to recharge its 401k.

Battery over Brain

High-speed Rail CEO To Develop 40 MPH 'very Fast' Service

40mph rail: The new 'very fast' for the US. Pack a lunch!

Gigolo Joe

Study: Young People Just Need To Be Born 60 Years Earlier

To save £200/mo, youth just needs a time machine. Duh.

Dalek

Domino's Fried Chicken Now Categorized As Migratory Fowl

Domino's chicken now 'migratory.' Pack a tiny passport.

Son of a Glitch

Economist's Cat Becomes Unexpected Recipient Of Nobel Prize

Nobel Economics Prize awarded to a cat, Whiskers.

Sentient Email Trailer

Local Firm Unveils Invisible Ink Pen For Forgetful Ceos

Corporate innovation introduces Invisible Ink Pen to combat.

I’ll .docx Your Location