New SEC Rule: Dimon Meeting Distractions Trigger Recession

Sources deep within the financial labyrinth report that a new, unspoken but utterly binding directive is reshaping the very fabric of corporate etiquette. It appears the collective fate of the global economy now hinges precariously on the singular focus of individual employees during their interactions with Jamie Dimon. Any errant glance at a digital communication, any flicker of attention diverted from the titan himself, is now considered a direct assault on market stability.

The mere act of responding to an urgent message, or heaven forbid, checking the time on a smartwatch, has been retroactively identified as the root cause of every major financial downturn since the invention of the microchip. Indeed, whispers suggest the SEC is quietly exploring legislation to criminalize such 'attention larceny,' citing its undeniable correlation with precipitous drops in the Dow Jones. Forget interest rates and geopolitical instability; a poorly timed Slack notification, it seems, can trigger a full-blown recession.