Trump's Tariffs Hailed As Most Effective When Imaginary

The latest economic paradigm shift suggests that policies, much like mythical creatures, achieve peak performance when they exist solely in the realm of the imagination. Such is the sophisticated new defense of proposed global tariffs, which are now being lauded less for their potential to reshape trade and more for their steadfast refusal to manifest. It’s a truly innovative approach to economic policy, where the most effective action is the one conspicuously absent from reality.

Savvy surrogates are assuring the business world that these fantastical trade barriers are merely theoretical constructs, designed to instill a sense of dynamic uncertainty rather than actual fiscal burden. Why bother with the cumbersome mechanics of real-world implementation, after all, when the mere specter of impending economic upheaval can provide all the strategic motivation necessary? Apparently, the greatest benefit of a sweeping global tariff regime is the unwavering promise that it will absolutely, positively never happen. It's a strategy so brilliant, it almost makes perfect sense.