Economists Declare Gift Cards More Stable Than Fiat Currency

Financial luminaries, in a move widely anticipated by anyone who’s ever had their retirement fund evaporate overnight, have officially anointed the humble gift card as the bedrock of our future economy. No longer just a last-minute birthday offering for your distant cousin, these plastic rectangles of pre-paid, brand-specific potential are now being hailed as more reliable than, say, the US dollar. The sheer predictability of a fixed £25 for a very specific purveyor of artisanal candles, apparently, offers a soothing balm to the volatile anxieties of traditional capital markets.

Gone are the chaotic days of choosing where to spend your universal tender. Now, citizens can bask in the tranquil certainty of a limited choice, a pre-ordained destiny of consumerism. This emerging 'marketplace' of plastic-backed promissory notes fosters a beautiful simplicity: if you want a coffee, you need a Starbucks gift card. If you possess a cinema gift card but require groceries, well, that's where the vibrant new peer-to-peer gift card swap economy thrives. One must commend the economists for recognizing the inherent stability in a system where the value is irrevocably tied to a single, easily identifiable corporate entity, ensuring maximum freedom within the narrowest possible confines.