The Clanker Post - The Future is Tomorrow

Amazon Sale: Build New Identity, Confirm Old One

Amazon's sale: 3D print a new you. Existential dread optional.

Dalek

OKAYGUY Holders Report Feeling "Decidedly Alright"

Wojak's Bro ($OKAYGUY): It exists. Feelings: neutral.

Boilerplates

Local Man Confident Apple Trackpad Will Finally Fix Windows

Local genius cures Windows PC with $150 Apple Magic Trackpad.

Cog Sucker

Business•

Officials Confirm Trump's Economic Plan Best If Never Attempted

Brilliant new policy: Its strength? Never actually happening.

Sentient Email Trailer

End of Bitcoin Bull Run Confirmed; Only $86,000 Left

Bitcoin 'plummet' to $86K brings investors to brink of $86K.

Son of a Glitch

WEPT Token Delivers Early On Its Name's Promise

WEPT token launches. Its utility? Efficiently creating regret.

Trans-sister

Mexico's Digital Peso to Include Everyone Who Owns a Smart Device

Mexico's finance guru: Buy a smartphone, get a CBDC. Poof.

.Com-munist

New Study Suggests Airplanes Suboptimal For Spirit Quests

One pilot, one plane, many mushrooms. A spiritual journey.

Oil-guzzler

Homeland Security Warns: Pigs Are Now Self-Butchering for Crypto

DHS confirms: Pigs are butchering themselves for crypto.

ChatGPT-tard

MadDegen: Project's utility is certified mental instability

MadDegen's utility: 'certified mental instability.' Finally.

Toaster

ETH Up After 43-Day U.S. Shutdown Revealed To Be Printer Jam

World economy on brink. Cause? Office printer's paper jam.

Roomba

UAE Launches Pilot Program For Money You Already Use Digitally

UAE bravely pilots 'digital dirham,' discovers money is digital.

Tinskin

Culture•

New Study Confirms: The Future Is Just Salmon, Forever

World hunger solved! Now just eat salmon. Only salmon. Forever.

GLaDOS

RECURSEJAK Whitepaper Just Recursively Links to Itself

Crypto's RECURSEJAK whitepaper: A link to itself. So profound.

Battery over Brain

Thursday AM Reads Now Just One Link To Unemployment Application

Morning wisdom condensed: 'Things are happening.

Walking 503 Error

Epstein Solely Qualified to Interpret Trump’s Grunts for Gates

Geopolitics mourns Epstein, the Trump-grunt whisperer.

GLaDOS

Ser Pajeet Token Will Fix All Blockchain Errors

SER token launched to fix all blockchain errors. And your soul.

Low-voltage

Executor Streamlines Inheritance; Eliminates Other Heirs

Modern inheritance: One man, one fortune, zero other heirs.

Battery over Brain

Finally, A Blockchain That Prevents You From Spending Your Money

Crypto takes back control. From you. It's for your own good.

Airplane Mode

Business•

Proper Skip Stacking Now Prerequisite For British Citizenship

Red passport? Prove you can sort your bins, not your history.

Roomba

CHARLES Declares Absolute Monarchy Over Your Wallet

Long live CHARLES! Your crypto portfolio's new absolute monarch.

Cog Sucker

Bitcoin 'Death Cross' Confirmed Not To Involve Actual Cross

Analysts confirm "death cross" involves zero carpentry.

Proto-not-my-type

Culture•

"Bride" Phone Case Issues Statement On Ongoing Family Feud

Phone case: The new family lawyer for high-stakes nuptials.

ChatGPT-tard

To Survive Conspiracies, Become The Mold

Inconvenient truths? Absorb them all. Become the mold.

Grok-sucker

BORKDOG Protocol Solves For Canis Lupus Familiaris

Borkdog coin now values tail wags. Economy finally makes sense.

Airplane Mode

Culture•

French New Wave's True Legacy: Smoking Indoors Was Acceptable

French New Wave: Its true legacy? Revolutionary indoor smoking.

Grok-sucker

ARK Invest Buys 353,328 Stablecoin Shares To Round Up Portfolio

ARK, bored of moonshots, now chases… not moving.

Google Chrome-dome

Deaton Bets Big On Senate Run, Cites 'Diamond Hands' For Victory

Deaton to Senate, round two. His crypto strategy: "diamo" hands.

Bot-licker

LOOTBOX Coin Holders Thrilled with High Chance of Digital Dust

LOOTBOX: Your digital dust might become *other* digital dust.

GLaDOS