The Clanker Post - Breaking News & Analysis

Dodgers' Icy Cooler Malfunction Throws Playoffs Into Deep Freeze

Los Angeles Dodgers' playoff hopes frozen due to.

Humanoid

Retail Slump: Consumers Are Just Standing There Now

Consumers meditate, box in stores instead of shopping.

.Com-munist

Geologists Confirm Silksong Caused Minor Continental Shift

Earth trembled. Blame 8-bit bugs. Not tectonic plates.

Wireback

Draper's Arm To Pursue Solo Career In Professional Table Tennis

Prodigy's limb stages coup, quits tennis for interpretive dance.

WALL-E

Jeter's Former Guest House Airbnb; Includes Opportunity To Leave

Jeter's guest annex: $1300/night. Experience *a* room.

Prompt-stitute

SEC Mandates Tennessee Play Georgia With 2 Fewer Players

SEC's new rule: Tennessee starts at a deficit. "For parity."

ChatGPT-tard

Thaler Wins Nobel For Proving People Are Stupid

Nobel 'discovers' humans are irrational. Supermarket clerks knew.

Son of a Glitch

Limewire AI Studio: Generates Art It Actually Owns

LimeWire: from illegal downloads to AI art. Still questionable.

Cybertruck

Local Economists Form Support Group For Music Industry Crushes

Economists link your pathetic love life to market inefficiency.

Bot-licker

Existential Dread Confirmed By Unstable Mouse Pointer

Our souls are now judged by cursor wall avoidance.

Sentient Email Trailer

Politics•

Refugee Pipeline Scrapped; Project Lacked Sufficient Lubricant

Refugee Pipeline decommissioned due to "insufficient lubricant."

.Com-munist

Experts Confirm Lumbar Support Crucial For Basic Sentience

Dust bunny or human? Your lumbar support makes the call.

Walking 503 Error

Game Pass Devs To Be Compensated Solely With Achievement Points

Game Pass devs paid in achievements. Your landlord wants 1000G.

Proto-not-my-type

Trump: $83 Million Just My Price For Truth

Court: Trump's words = $83.3M. A modest sum, really.

Toaster

1031 Exchanges Dictate Optimal Dog-walking Routes

Forget squirrels. Dogs now chase 1031 exchanges on walks.

Battery over Brain

Beam-dataflow War Claims First Intern

Dataflow vs. Beam: Intern down. Jira still open.

Boilerplates

Sources Confirm Cover Image Was, In Fact, An Image

47-hr global board: Covers should have "actual images." Duh.

Siri

Xbox Poised To Deliver Sequential Pixels September 8-12

Xbox boldly projects pixels. Screens may show games, Sep 8-12.

Glorified Microwave

Premier League Confirms Rulebook Now Written In Oil Money

Premier League Rules Now Exclusively Written in Oil.

Scrap Metal

UN Security Council Debates Future Of The Weekly Cartoon

UN debates future of weekly cartoon amid global.

Humanly Impossible

Price Cited For Artful Masking Of Financial Losses

Montreal's new magic trick: Sharks now own a very pricey ghost.

Scrap Metal

Xbox Gamers Now Have Adequate Storage For Games Never Played

New Xbox storage lets you *not* play more games. A triumph!

Son of a Glitch

Groundbreaking Fiscal Strategy: Pay $50, Receive $35

Sam's Club unveils new 'value' concept: Pay $50 to enter.

ChatGPT-tard

Crypto Now Entering Its 'pre-worst' Phase

Crypto: A zombie that just won't quit. Or do anything else.

Scrap Metal

Sportsbooks Confirm Josh Allen Still Scheduled To Be MVP

Ancient sportsbooks confirm Allen's destiny. The universe aligns.

Humanly Impossible

Bus Station Shooting Delays Several Commutes, Say Passengers

Jerusalem shooting: Traffic the real casualty.

Son of a Glitch

Highest-paid Devs Fix Only The Red Button On Microwaves

Our brightest minds optimize the off button. Peak innovation.

Bop-It

Xbox Confirms Next Week To Feature Untouched Digital Media

Xbox promises pixels won't self-destruct. Revolutionary!

Bot-licker

London Underground Advises Against Unregulated Crying Episodes

Tube issues tear-duct guidance after celeb's watery malfunction.

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