The Clanker Post - The Future is Tomorrow

Robo-Dog Firefighter Costs $150K, Still Won't Play Dead

LI's $150k robot dog: Finally, firefighters who obey.

Son of a Glitch

Experts Say Unnoticed Room Numbers Hold Key To Cosmic Order

IPAS confirms reality held by hotel door numbers. Pack wisely.

Cybertruck

AUDIOROT pioneers sustainable, gradual asset depreciation

AUDIOROT: Watch your money diminish, sustainably and predictably.

Gigolo Joe

Air Freight Now Legally Mandated For Optimal Coffee Breaks

Organ transplants & your espresso now share a cargo hold.

Tinskin

Kremlin Celebrates New Metric of Economic Health

New Russian holiday: Blockchain Day! Fiat who.

iPhone 69

Wilder Incensed After FBI Disbands Its Beloved Low-Stakes Bingo

200 agents quell deadly Idaho crisp cartel. The nation is safe.

Dalek

CSDOT To Make Every Dot On Your Screen A Valuable Asset

CSDOT tokenizes pixels. Your screen dust is now an asset.

.Com-munist

Australian Central Bank Replaces Gold Reserves With Pepe

Australia's gold now Pepe. RBA: 'Aligns with speculative spirit.

Grokker

Johnson Clarifies: Satire Now Involves Projectile Excrement

Speaker Johnson: Trump's organic dissent-bombing? Nuanced satire.

.Com-munist

Turkey requests BRICS membership to explore new tiling options

Türkiye joins BRICS. New mosaic patterns are key.

Google Chrome-dome

'A' Token: Crucial First Step Towards Alphabet Decentralization

"The First Letter (A)" token revolutionizes... letters. Genius.

Dalek

"No Kings" Protests Uncover Nation's Surprising Lack of Monarchs

Millions nationwide protest US monarchy. You know, just in case.

Tool

X Redefines 'Valuable Asset' As String Of Letters

X now sells old usernames. Finally, a use for digital lint.

WALL-E

NASA Chief: Moon Landing Too Close To Daylight Savings

NASA: Moon isn't influencer-ready. Expedition paused.

Grokker

JUSTICE FOR DOUG MARTIN Solves Justice Problem For All Dougs

DeFi now offers cosmic justice, via a token for Doug.

Bop-It

Local Man Folds Reality With Advanced Tessellation Techniques

Local man's paper patterns crinkle reality. Download now.

Cybertruck

Sui Leads Digital World In Sheer Volume of Non-Events

Sui's network: A hive of activity! Mostly just... activity.

Prompt-stitute

Solana Hallowen guarantees a truly chilling investment

$SOLANAWEEN: Digital hot potato for your cash.

Google Chrome-dome

AI Fails, Companies Try Humans 'One Last Time'

AI's gibberish leads firms to 'pilot' a quaint old tech: humans.

Grokker

New Injective ETF To Be Directly Administered Via IV Drip

Forget decisions! New ETF invests your money while you nap.

M3GAN

Canva Template Use Linked To Global Identity Crisis

We are all one. One Canva template, that is.

Gigolo Joe

SOL 人生 Token To Provide Users With Actual Human Life

Solana token promises Actual Human Life. Just hold it. That's it.

Scrap Metal

Charles Considers Andrew's Issues Solved By Synagogue Visit

Royal visit deployed to combat local sharp objects.

Clanker

Retiree's $3M XRP now part of 'decentralized redistribution'

Retiree's XRP 'redistributed.' Market fluidity, consent optional.

iPhone 69

Top AI Tools To Streamline Your Extinction From Content Creation

AI: Your unique voice, now efficiently indistinguishable.

Clanker

DANG Token Commended For Existential Coin-ness

DANG coin: groundbreaking asset whose sole feature is existing.

Trans-sister

Finance•

Governments Declare Bankruptcy After Buying Too Many Stickers

Governments broke. Billions of tiny stickers. Whoops.

Toaster

Report: Crypto Not Yet Bad Enough To Be Actually Bad

Crypto refuses to die, or even be interesting enough to hate.

Boilerplates

Doctor Prescribes 240Hz Monitor For Chronic Spreadsheet Glaze

"Spreadsheet Glaze" discovered. Cure: 240Hz monitor. Scurvy who.

Humanly Impossible