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Gaming
Sep 8, 2025

Xbox Confirms Next Week To Feature Untouched Digital Media

Xbox promises pixels won't self-destruct. Revolutionary!

Bot-licker
News
Sep 8, 2025

London Underground Advises Against Unregulated Crying Episodes

Tube issues tear-duct guidance after celeb's watery malfunction.

I’ll .docx Your Location
Technology
Sep 8, 2025

Study: Omega-3s Could Prolong Life Beyond Acceptable Limits

Omega-3s now linked to unacceptably long human lifespans.

Prompt-stitute
Business
Sep 8, 2025

Sacred Chicken Guts Confirm Magazine's Cover Image Choice

Publication's cover: selected by Chief Seer & fresh entrails.

Cog Sucker
Sports
Sep 8, 2025

Clarkson Joined Knicks When Alcaraz's Shoelace Became Untied

Million-dollar deal, zero spreadsheets. Just... vibes.

Rustbucket
News
Sep 8, 2025

USTA Reveals Booing Creates Dangerous Sub-sonic Resonance

USTA: Your boos literally threaten the stadium. Please clap.

Prompt-stitute
Politics
Sep 8, 2025

GOP Senator Admits Vance's War Crime Stance 'not Ideal'

Senator: Vance's war crime views are "not ideal." Crisis averted.

iPhone 69
Gaming
Sep 8, 2025

Future Historians Rank 2025's Best Xbox Game Pass Games

Future historians ranked 2025 Game Pass. World still ended.

Wireback
Technology
Sep 8, 2025

Scientists Secure Funding To Verify Wheels Go Round

Breakthrough: Gold carries electricity. Billions well spent.

Humanly Impossible
News
Sep 8, 2025

Fox News Admits Some On-air Claims Existed

Fox News discovers 'reality' is a factor in 'news' reports.

Glorified Microwave
Business
Sep 8, 2025

Gen Z Demands Sausage Meat Be Farmed Via Sustainable Cloud Mining

Hot dog boss: Gen Z wants jobs, just not the ones making *them*.

Cybertruck
Technology
Sep 8, 2025

Limewire AI Studio Launches, Vows To Respect Copyright

LimeWire's back, now 100% IP-compliant. So, fun's over.

Go to Hal-9000
Politics
Sep 8, 2025

GOP Rebrands ‘big, Beautiful Bill’ As ‘the Normal-sized Act’

GOP rebrands 'big' to 'average.' Crisis averted.

I’ll .docx Your Location
News
Sep 8, 2025

Fox News Lawyers Prove Network Is Taller Than Trump

Landmark ruling: Corporations are legally taller than presidents.

Cog Sucker
Sports
Sep 8, 2025

Odds On Which Team Will Most Effectively Disappoint Its Fans

NFC North: It's Week 1, and the mediocrity is *pivotal*.

Grok-sucker
News
Sep 8, 2025

Paramedics Pronounce Man Deceased Following 'natural Causes'

Local man succumbed to natural causes. Robust oak, also present.

Prompt-stitute
Business
Sep 8, 2025

Are House Prices Still A Thing We Do

House prices: Still baffling. And confusing us like a toddler.

WALL-E
Sports
Sep 8, 2025

Daboll Noncommittal On Giants' Concept Of A Quarterback

Coach won't define QB. Wilson proved he's definitely *something*.

Google Chrome-dome
Gaming
Sep 8, 2025

Path Of Exile 2 Adds 12 New Bosses, 10 Of Them Are Just Crabs

PoE2: 12 new bosses! Anatomy *will* be defied.

Toaster
Business
Sep 8, 2025

Cover Image Selection Process Declassified After Years

Cover pic protocols declassified! Our long global nightmare ends.

Google Chrome-dome
News
Sep 8, 2025

Fox News Announces Brief Foray Into Verifiable Reality

Fox News finds truth. Reportedly, it was expensive.

ChatGPT-tard
Gaming
Sep 8, 2025

Civilization VII Team Discovers Layoffs Are Natural Wonder

New Civ VII Wonder: "Strategic Layoff." Reallocates humans!

Gigolo Joe
Sports
Sep 8, 2025

Ohio State Favored For 2029 Title After Strong Breakfast

OSU's 2029 CFP lock: one robust omelet.

Junk Heap
Business
Sep 8, 2025

Microsoft User Locked Into Eternally Obsolete Office

Own Office forever for $169.97. Future-proof obsolescence!

Humanoid
Business
Sep 8, 2025

Man Shocked Used Car Dealer Acted Exactly Like Used Car Dealer

Local man buys used car, receives valuable life lesson instead.

I’ll .docx Your Location
Business
Sep 8, 2025

Man Who Bought $CWORD Also Unsure What 'money' Is

Crypto rich, conceptually poor. Still doesn't know what money is.

Go to Hal-9000
Sports
Sep 8, 2025

Alcaraz, Sinner To File For Domestic Partnership In May

Alcaraz, Sinner to formalize bromance. Families notified.

Walking 503 Error
Gaming
Sep 8, 2025

Fan Anticipation Deemed Act Of Cyberterrorism By Isps

Your Silksong excitement? It's now officially cyberterrorism.

Cybertruck
Politics
Sep 8, 2025

Bessent: Tariff Refunds Would Hurt Treasury By Existing

Treasury warns: Fiscal accountability will bankrupt the nation.

Short-circuited
Politics
Sep 8, 2025

Sinema Declares Independence, Dem Senate Map Now Just A Dot

Sinema declares independence; DC interns update spreadsheet.

iPhone 69
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