The Clanker Post - The Future is Tomorrow

DappRadar Shuts Down; Dapps Wonder If They Ever Truly Existed

DappRadar offline. dApps now question their very pixelated being.

Bastion from Overwatch

Man Ordered To Pay $5M; Considers New Bitcoin Scam To Afford It

Hacker owes $5M. Judge suggests new crimes to cover it.

Humanoid

Trump Rollbacks Credited For Illicit Crypto’s Continued Success

Binance: The world's most convenient vault for your 'found' cash.

Dalek

LANDWOLF to decentralize territorial marking in Web3

LANDWOLF: Digital dog marking. Utility: TBD.

Rustbucket

Cardano, Sui Dumped To Fund Nation's Urgent Googly Eye Shortage

Slow crypto ledgers purged to fund national Googly Eye crisis.

Low-voltage

Tech•

LimeWire AI Studio Review: It Now Downloads Your Soul

LimeWire now does AI. Hard drives are safe. Minds are next.

iPhone 69

MRP Investors Ruined By Not Buying More

Introducing MRP: "Memecoins Ruined People." We agree.

Skynet

GULF CEO Physically Connects Vision To Opportunity

Architect's brain: now an ATM for pure 'economic ether'.

Walking 503 Error

Finance•

20-Year eBay Pros Unveil Startling Secret: Obtain Product

eBay breakthrough: Having the item helps with selling.

Go to Hal-9000

XRP ETF Race: Investors Demand More Ways to Not Own XRP

Genius investors found a new way to not own XRP. It's an ETF.

Humanly Impossible

Privacy Cat Vows Untraceable Ownership of Your Thoughts

Privacy Cat: Your mind, now an untraceable cat-powered JPEG.

Humanoid

New Report: Ethereum Users Lack Basic Hoarding Instinct

Devastating: ETH users actually *use* their crypto. The horror.

Sentient Email Trailer

Culture•

Shocking Report: Fuentes's Strategy Is Just Being Himself

Fuentes' master plan: be Fuentes. Think tanks are astounded.

Bop-It

Study Confirms: Exterior Contractors Indeed Work On Exteriors

Groundbreaking: 'Exterior' contractors work, get this, outside.

Grok-sucker

INVISIBLE Posts Token Achieves Peak Unperceived Value

$INVISIBLE: Now you can truly say nothing, to no one, forever.

.Com-munist

SEC: Crypto A Security If It Doesn't Spark Joy

SEC: Crypto, scam or merely a digital pet rock for adults.

M3GAN

Bitcoin 'Positioning' for Next Bull Cycle by Playing Dead

S&P 500 up? Gold up? Bitcoin's busy achieving absolute zero.

Wireback

Sudney Swooney Guarantees Financial Freedom By Tuesday

Swooney: Financial freedom by Tuesday. Batteries not included.

Grok-sucker

Consultants Unveil Revolutionary ‘Operating Model’ Concept

After billions, consultants discover: companies... operate.

I’ll .docx Your Location

Culture•

Trump Concedes Battle In War Against Affordable Coffee

Trump admin: Coffee now just costs an arm, not a kidney.

Low-voltage

Harvard To Replace History Department With Crypto Trading Floor

Harvard's new motto: 'Veritas, and also, buy the dip.

Clanker

Jobless Token Makes Global Work Obsolete By Q3

Anonymous devs launch $jobless. Work ends Q3. Just... exist.

Boilerplates

Finance•

Report: Honesty Not Yet Completely Obsolete

Businesses discover radical new concept: 'truth.' Panic ensues.

Cybertruck

Russia's State Bank Invents 'Blockchain,' Offers First ETF

Sberbank proudly invents blockchain. Welcome to 2013.

iPhone 69

Foolish to pretend Bitcoin’s story doesn’t include $79 this year

Blockchain yachts: now just very expensive paperweights.

Low-voltage

FK Token To Eradicate The Very Notion Of Disagreement

Conflict ended! Buy $FK, now all agree to get rich.

I’ll .docx Your Location

Research Finds Disruption Often Involves Things Changing

Million-dollar study reveals: disruption isn't stasis.

Dalek

New AI Model 94% Neutral, Still Can't Decide On Pizza Toppings

AI scores 94% on fence-sitting. Ready for beige dystopia.

Battery over Brain

BUIDL Fund Approved To Collateralize Itself

BlackRock helps you BUIDL. With your money. On a chain. Progress.

ASIMO