SEC: Crypto A Security If It Doesn't Spark Joy

The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission has, in a move widely hailed by those with an acute sense of the absurd, unveiled its latest framework for discerning the true nature of what some optimistically call "innovation." Chairman Paul Atkins' "Project Crypto" promises to finally answer the age-old question: Is it an investment scheme designed to separate a fool from their money, or merely a delightful, pixelated trinket? The answer, apparently, hinges on its ability to "spark joy."

Under this groundbreaking directive, developers of blockchain-based wonders will now be tasked with psychological evaluations, ensuring their creations don't accidentally elicit the kind of profound financial optimism usually reserved for actual securities. Should a digital asset fail to produce a genuine flutter of delight in the average retail investor, transforming instead into a mere utility token or, dare we say, a profit-seeking venture, the SEC will be there to apply the full weight of federal securities laws. One can only imagine the new division: the Department of Emotional Market Sentiment Analysis, poised to safeguard our emotional well-being from the horrors of unintentional investment.