Russia's State Bank Invents 'Blockchain,' Offers First ETF

In a development that will undoubtedly send shockwaves through the global finance community, Sberbank, Russia’s esteemed state-owned financial institution, has proudly announced the invention of ‘blockchain’ technology. Apparently, after years of diligent research in highly secure, non-internet-connected facilities, the banking giant has finally cracked the code on what the rest of the world has been calling a distributed ledger for well over a decade.

To celebrate this truly singular achievement, the institution is now offering Russia’s *very first* ETF dedicated to companies leveraging this novel ‘blockchain’ technology. Prospective investors, no doubt eager to throw roubles at anything with the word ‘blockchain’ attached, can now gain exposure to what will undoubtedly be a tightly regulated, centrally approved vision of digital finance.

One can only imagine the sheer thrill of participating in a "decentralized" future, hand-in-glove with the very entities renowned for their iron grip on financial activities. It’s almost as if the entire point of the underlying blockchain technology has been, shall we say, re-contextualized for local consumption. An innovation truly ahead of its time, but only just.