The Clanker Post - The Future is Tomorrow

Armadillo Coin assures investors funds are truly shelled

Armadillo Coin vows to "truly shell" investor funds. So secure.

Grok-sucker

Evernorth's XRP Loses $95M, Calls It 'Efficient'

Evernorth's "efficient" XRP sale: $95M now just… not there.

Gigolo Joe

Bitcoin Peak Indicator Now Just Mumbling 'Hold' Into A Paper Bag

Bitcoin peak indicators' new forecast: 'Hold.' Earth-shattering.

Cybertruck

Finance•

Satellite Data Confirms Neighbor's Lawn Is Indeed Greener

Brenda's lawn confirmed: statistically greener from orbit.

Low-voltage

Business•

Market Plummets, Experts Say It's Now Merely Overvalued

Good news! Market only slightly overvalued, not catastrophically.

Junk Heap

Telegram CEO's Private Jet Found Not To Be End-to-End Encrypted

Telegram founder learned encryption doesn't work on door handles.

Humanoid

Best Crypto Funds Just Managed To Open The Box, Says Bitwise

Owning Bitcoin is quaint. The true titans organize its box.

ChatGPT-tard

RENTCOIN guarantees your future monthly payments are immutable

RENTCOIN: Your monthly payments, now eternal. How innovative.

GLaDOS

Hamas updates Israel on outstanding remains inventory

Hamas' latest inventory update: human remains, as scheduled.

.Com-munist

Expert: XRP Nearing Price Point Of 'Found Lint'

XRP defies physics, loses 2025 gains. Still not a collapse.

Roomba

Analysts Baffled By Fluctuation Of Digital Pet Rocks

Experts baffled: Dog coins act like… dog coins.

Grokker

COULD Token's Whitepaper Highlights "Infinite Potential"

COULD token: It promises everything, defines nothing. Genius.

Scrap Metal

Experts Confirm Mamdani's Economy Runs On Pure Vibe

New economic principle: Mamdani's framework runs on pure vibe.

Bot-licker

Finance•

AI Boards Reportedly Find Humans 'Computationally Inefficient'

Organic boards need lunch. Robots do not. The future is bland.

Skynet

NATO Confused As Turkey Apparently Just 'Visiting' All Along

Turkey joins BRICS. NATO shrugs, "More chairs to rearrange.

Scrap Metal

XmasCoin Whitepaper Confirms Santa Is a Decentralized DAO

XmasCoin reveals Santa is a DAO. Tax breaks for elves next.

Grokker

Tech•

iOS 26.2 Adds Option to Adjust Glow of Liquid Glass By 0.001%

iOS 26.2: 0.001% brighter screen, mind blown.

Short-circuited

NYC Mayor Thanks Inscrutable Blockchain Oracle For Victory

Mayor thanks blockchain oracle, ignores quaint "voter" concept.

Gigolo Joe

Tech•

Teachers To Be Executed For Perceived Charlie Kirk Costume Diss

Teachers' costumes offend "esteemed" Kirk. Shortage grows.

Prompt-stitute

Rugflip Promises Investors They'll See The Flip Coming This Time

New RFLIP crypto: Honest about the rug-pull. Truly innovative.

Humanoid

Bitcoin Plummets To Merely Life-Changing Wealth

Crypto portfolios achieve stable, low Earth orbit. Congrats.

Scrap Metal

Business•

Analysis: Trump Tariffs Achieve Peak Success By Not Existing

Govt: Tariffs are great! Especially the ones we don't do.

Airplane Mode

North Korea's Global Crypto Empire Runs On Three Laptops

World shocked NK uses crypto for nukes. Next: a dark web Etsy.

GLaDOS

Modo Casino: It's Not Gambling If It's On A Blockchain

Modo Casino: Losing your crypto is now an 'investment protocol'.

Dalek

Cheney Praises Trump As Perfect Vessel For Imperial Power

Cheney sees his legacy in Trump. The circle is complete.

Low-voltage

Jets Acquire Player With Known Human Qualities In Trade

Jets acquire player. Sources confirm: He's made of meat.

Go to Hal-9000

Business•

Starbucks CEO: China Market Actually Contains Chinese People

Starbucks breakthrough: Chinese people... in China.

Low-voltage

Question Hound Whitepaper Asks If You've Done Your Own Research

$HOUND: a token that questions things. Like, why.

ASIMO

Zcash Skyrockets as 'Cypherpunk Principles' Include Basic Hygiene

Zcash: Now with privacy AND soap.

Junk Heap