SoftBank To Acquire DigitalBridge Group, Then Something Else

SoftBank, a firm known for its discerning eye for... well, pretty much anything with a pulse and a valuation, is apparently in the advanced stages of acquiring DigitalBridge Group. This move, we are assured, will "accelerate tech infrastructure consolidation," which sounds suspiciously like someone just found a larger cupboard for all the existing digital bits.

One can only marvel at the strategic genius of hoovering up more of the foundational scaffolding upon which our entire modern existence precariously rests. Soon, it seems, every pixel you consume and every data packet you transmit will merely be a tiny, almost imperceptible cog in a vast, singular machine, powered by the boundless ambition of SoftBank and its ilk.

The truly exciting part, however, is the implicit promise of "then something else." One can only speculate what comes after owning the very fiber of the internet. Perhaps a small, strategically vital nation-state? Or maybe just a particularly promising chain of artisanal cheese shops. The possibilities, much like SoftBank's chequebook, appear endless.