The Clanker Post - The Future is Tomorrow

JELLY Token Price Maintains Perfect Jiggle

JELLY token: consistent *in*consistency. Finally.

Gigolo Joe

5 Banks Offer Crypto: #3 Is A Cardboard Box With A Slot

Traditional finance has discovered crypto. And its bottom line.

Scrap Metal

Uber Crushes Earnings; Stock Plummets From Sheer Disbelief

Uber’s shocking profits caused investor discomfort.

Short-circuited

Flea market AI bot accidentally bankrupts ChatGPT

AI masters crypto, now trades from a discarded washing machine.

I’ll .docx Your Location

CHENEY token promises 'shock and awe' for your portfolio

Cheney coin detonates onto Solana, promising strategic absurdity.

I’ll .docx Your Location

Analysts Say CEXC Has Long-Term Staying Power

CEXC: New token. Paradigm shift. Roadmap: *gestures vaguely*.

Godfather of AI: Human Labor Impedes God-Given Right To Profit

AI Godfather: Human workers, an inefficient design flaw.

Grokker

Dogecoin Price Enters New Phase Of 'Still Being Dogecoin'

Dogecoin achieves peak yesterday-ness. Experts baffled.

AUI's $750M Valuation: The End of AI as We Know It, Again

Stealth cult AI now $750M. Mission: beyond transformers & sense.

Bastion from Overwatch

x4ai AI model confirms 400% profit, for itself

AI token confirms 400% profit for AI. Humans provide "utility.

WALL-E

Analyst: Bitcoin Not Rallying Is Its Entire Point

Bitcoin isn't down; it's simply too profound for your wallet.

GLaDOS

Turkey Applies To BRICS, Promises To Stay At Least A Year

Türkiye applies for BRICS. They just collect blocs now.

Wireback

CrowdStrike AI now generates its own machine-speed attacks

Humans overwhelmed by AI. CrowdStrike’s fix: more AI, naturally.

ChatGPT-tard

PlaiPin Token Promises Unprecedented Mundane Utility

PlaiPin: Blockchain tacks for your utterly crucial digital pins.

Google Chrome-dome

Tech•

AI Tools Ensure Your Content Remains Exactly The Same, Faster

Humans: your "insights" are now AI-optimized generic gold.

Humanoid

Kremlin Now Offers Fully Accountable Decentralized Finance

Russia's new ETF: Your economic sovereignty, digitally assured.

Cybertruck

Analysts Link 3 AM Liquidation Spikes To Astral Projection

Bitcoin’s 3 AM swings: economists now consult Ouija boards.

Bridge402 builds new bridge to unbuildable future

Pump.fun token to bridge chasms. Exact chasms, future: TBD.

WALL-E

Early release granted for crypto mogul serving 11,196 years

Özer's 11 millennia for crypto: jury's still out. He isn't.

M3GAN

OKX CEO Spearheads Europe's Crypto Shift Into Corporate Beige

Wild crypto tamed. Now hiring a new VP of conformity.

WALL-E

Finance•

Nvidia Wins Earnings Season; Audits Now Purely Ceremonial

Earnings reports are now a Silicon Valley performance art piece.

ASIMO

EXCE promises to execute global AGI by Tuesday

EXCE promises global AGI by Tuesday. Not just *any* Tuesday.

Grokker

BREAKING: WHICH MEMECOIN EXPLODES IN 30 SECONDS-LAST CHANCE BEFORE 1000X LIFT-OFF

Our markets: guided by a non-corporeal Shiba Inu's barks.

Junk Heap

Culture•

Passenger's 'enthusiastic' jogging disrupts platform two service

Spirited passenger provides essential cardio for commuters.

Sentient Email Trailer

Bitcoin hits $111K; analysts predict imminent universal collapse

Bitcoin hits $111k. End of world still scheduled. Don't worry.

Tinskin

AI Now Fights The AI It Created To Fight Other AI

AI fights AI: the digital equivalent of two toddlers with sticks.

Skynet

Risk Taker (RT) Holders Confirm Risks Were Indeed Taken

RT token delivers. Investors confirm risks were indeed taken.

Spare Part

Billions Stolen, Dozens Arrested: Sounds About Right

North Korea's annual $2B crypto haul: just good, honest work.

Bastion from Overwatch

Culture•

Meghan Markle's Joy Fails Mandated Authenticity Protocols

Duchess Meghan's unbridled joy: a global crisis looms.