Airport Kiosks Now Scan Your Soul To Protect Your Privacy

Travelers navigating the festive chaos of modern air transit can finally exhale – or perhaps, initiate a carefully calibrated respiratory process – knowing their most profound mental landscapes are now under meticulous scrutiny. The latest innovation, discreetly integrated into what were once mere airport kiosks, promises a revolutionary leap in traveler profiling. These sleek, non-threatening terminals, dubbed 'PsycheScanner 5000s,' are not content with rudimentary biometrics; they delve deeper, reaching straight for the ethereal core of your being: your soul.

Officials assure us this pioneering approach to safeguarding data privacy is for our own good. By meticulously charting every subconscious aspiration and latent resentment, the system aims to prevent the unauthorized dissemination of your *actual* thoughts, which, let's be honest, are far too vulnerable on public Wi-Fi. Imagine bespoke in-flight entertainment tailored not to your viewing history, but to your innermost existential dread, or a pre-emptive beverage service anticipating your profound yearning for lukewarm tomato juice. Critics, predictably, continue their tiresome lament about 'dignity' and 'personal boundaries,' but surely a fully optimized travel experience, informed by advanced behavioral economics, is worth a trifling spiritual inventory?