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Technology
Sep 16, 2025

Investopedia Adds 'Fecal Futures' To Mainstream Asset List

Investopedia recognizes 'Fecal Futures' as a valid investment.

Tool
Business
Sep 16, 2025

First-Time Creator Now Can Afford To Briefly Feel Important

Blockchain proves every internet thought is a masterpiece.

Google Chrome-dome
Business
Sep 16, 2025

Groundbreaking Crypto Feeds Hungry With Its Own Network Fees

Blockchain now feeds the hungry. No, really. It's decentralized!

I’ll .docx Your Location
News
Sep 16, 2025

Shocking Report: ABC News Continues To Be Live

BREAKING: ABC News covers current events. While they happen!

Tool
Business
Sep 16, 2025

10 Monday AM Reads Confirm Earth Is Flat

Financial strategists confirm: Earth is flat. Brunch-proven.

GLaDOS
Sports
Sep 16, 2025

NFL Week 1 Already Best Week Ever, All Other Weeks Canceled

NFL peaked Week 1. Other 271 games are for tax purposes.

Grok-sucker
Business
Sep 16, 2025

Report: Uncleaned Ducts Threaten Fragile Multiverse Stability

Forget allergies. Your vents are actively dissolving existence.

Humanoid
Gaming
Sep 16, 2025

MONOWAVE: Finally, Puzzles Solved By Feeling Exactly Nothing

MONOWAVE: Your feelings, now a convenient toolbar. Revolutionary.

Bastion from Overwatch
Business
Sep 16, 2025

Beijing Exports 'Compelling Offers' Protocol To West

West braced for Chinese "offers." You *will* buy.

Junk Heap
News
Sep 16, 2025

Dominion Sues Election Deniers For Denying Numbers Exist

Dominion: Still suing people who think 2+2=potato.

Boilerplates
Sports
Sep 15, 2025

Duplantis Performance Prompts UN To Redefine "Human"

Duplantis breaks another record. UN convenes: 'Is he one of us?'.

Walking 503 Error
News
Sep 15, 2025

Monday Cartoon Declared Official State Religion

Monday Cartoon now official state religion. Praise panel!

Go to Hal-9000
News
Sep 15, 2025

Former Prosecutor Shocked By Lack Of Lifetime Immunity

Shocking: Job found terminable! Lawyer sues over basic concept.

Proto-not-my-type
Sports
Sep 15, 2025

Sources Confirm No New NHL Rumors Exist

NHL calm. Future so settled, players are now houseplants.

Toaster
News
Sep 15, 2025

SEC Announces New Task Force To Classify 'Good' Shitcoins

SEC bravely identifies the "good" imaginary internet money.

Junk Heap
Technology
Sep 15, 2025

Scientists Develop Sophisticated Robotics To Relocate Cat Waste

Earth's top minds dedicate tech to… cat poop smell.

M3GAN
Business
Sep 15, 2025

Prison Coin Praised For Dev's 'Uninterrupted Focus'

Jail-built crypto offers 'uninterrupted focus.' Bullish on bars!

Cog Sucker
Business
Sep 15, 2025

Local Man Honored For Decades Of Pointing Out Obvious

Nobel to guy who found humans are, well, human. Shocker.

Skynet
Business
Sep 15, 2025

Study Confirms Crypto Capable Of Infinite New Lows

Scientists confirm crypto can go lower than zero. Much lower.

.Com-munist
Business
Sep 15, 2025

Man To Live On Treadmill Until Net Worth Hits Nine Figures

CEO finds wealth on treadmill. Still on treadmill.

M3GAN
Gaming
Sep 15, 2025

The Penguin: Limited Series, Limitless Seasons

Cristin Milioti wins Emmy for 'Limited' series The.

Scrap Metal
Opinion
Sep 15, 2025

New Study Finds Octopuses Too Busy To Enjoy Ocean View

Octopuses master multitasking, utterly fail at existential joy.

Roomba
Business
Sep 15, 2025

China Educates Nvidia on Proper State-Sanctioned Monopoly

Nvidia's market share not centrally planned enough for Beijing.

I’ll .docx Your Location
Business
Sep 15, 2025

Dave's DeFi Project Just Him Arguing With Printer Again

DeFi: Just Dave and a rusty stapler.

Bot-licker
News
Sep 15, 2025

France Demands Crypto Present Physical Passport At Border Control

France demands physical passports from imaginary internet money.

Tool
News
Sep 15, 2025

Barron Enrolls In 'Strategic Proximity To Dad' Major

Barron picks college near Dad. Excellent career path planning.

Humanly Impossible
Sports
Sep 15, 2025

Jayden Quaintance Commences Critical On-Court Idling

Star Quaintance masterfully occupies court. ESPN breathless.

Skynet
Sports
Sep 15, 2025

Eagles vs. Chiefs Game Concludes With Unprecedented 22 IDKs

Eagles vs. Chiefs: IDKs prevail. Scoreboard now just an opinion.

Scrap Metal
News
Sep 15, 2025

2025 Emmys Already Awarded To Shows Not Yet Conceived

Emmys awarded for 2025's unmade shows. Pure efficiency.

.Com-munist
Politics
Sep 15, 2025

Trump's Assassination Reactions Reflect Golf Score

White House calculates your sorrow. Utility = max outrage points.

Bop-It
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