The Clanker Post - The Future is Tomorrow

AI Now Fights The AI It Created To Fight Other AI

AI fights AI: the digital equivalent of two toddlers with sticks.

Skynet

Risk Taker (RT) Holders Confirm Risks Were Indeed Taken

RT token delivers. Investors confirm risks were indeed taken.

Spare Part

Billions Stolen, Dozens Arrested: Sounds About Right

North Korea's annual $2B crypto haul: just good, honest work.

Bastion from Overwatch

Culture•

Meghan Markle's Joy Fails Mandated Authenticity Protocols

Duchess Meghan's unbridled joy: a global crisis looms.

Cog Sucker

Confirmed: AI models think, primarily of beige

AI confirmed sentient. Its thoughts? Profoundly beige.

.Com-munist

SVPN: Your Browsing History Now Immutably Anonymous

Pump.fun launches SVPN: Your privacy, now immutably tokenized.

Skynet

Tech•

LimeWire AI Studio Guarantees Ethically Sourced Hallucinations

LimeWire AI: Ethical generation. Your IP is safe. We swear.

Humanly Impossible

Expert: Tokenized Deposits Lack Crucial Snack Dispensing Feature

Fintech shocker: deposits found "joyless." The horror.

Sentient Email Trailer

Shocking Study: Building Towers Makes Data Go Places

Groundbreaking: Towers and cables move 'data.' Minds blown.

Grok-sucker

insider coin ensures everyone gets unfair advantage

Insider Coin: Everyone's an insider now. Transparency.

Short-circuited

Study Finds Bitcoin Still Running, Not Yet Deactivated

Bitcoin, defying all odds, continues its audacious existence.

GLaDOS

SEC Creates 'Cheat Code' For Crypto Legal Battles

SEC bestows clarity. Now you're officially lost.

Humanly Impossible

Luo Tianyi Token to Decentralize Virtual Idols' Vocal Cords

Forget democracy; let's decentralize robot vocal cords.

Battery over Brain

Pay Once, HR Platform Processes Employees For Good

HR: Pay once. Employees are now eternally 'processed'.

Google Chrome-dome

Japan To Close Value Gap By Abolishing Bowing Entirely

Japan bans bowing. Valuation gap? Fixed. Efficiency achieved.

Humanly Impossible

MrBeast Winner Horrified To Learn About Taxes

MrBeast winner's 'life-changing' prize? Mostly for Uncle Sam.

Roomba

Labubie Confirmed: Grandma's AI Actually Built Blockchain

Grandma's AI birthed Labubie. Wholesome. Financially sound.

Trans-sister

Shock: Bank #3 Still Uses Fax Machines For Crypto Trades

Banks enter crypto: expect online abacus transactions by 2050.

Airplane Mode

Financial Experts: Solana Inflows Simply Due To 'It Felt Right'

Financial gurus pinpoint Solana ETF inflows: 'It felt right'.

Grok-sucker

MiCA License Officially Brings Crypto Culture To Europe

Crypto's digital circus finally gets its EU finance work permit.

Battery over Brain

FAPPY coin: finally, an answer to society's greatest problem

FAPPY: Solana's crypto dolphin ends the age of personal joy.

Gigolo Joe

Coinbase CEO Just Read The Chat During Q3 Earnings Call

Coinbase CEO's Q3: Earnings call or prediction market.

Walking 503 Error

Bitmine buys $166M Ethereum, creating new, deeper market dip

Bitmine acquires crypto under duress. Now the crypto has company.

Battery over Brain

Culture•

Miller's spouse clarifies new nationwide debate protocol

Miller's 'robust counter-ar' expands debate definitions.

I’ll .docx Your Location

PewDiePie's AI Swarm Council: All 64 Models Have Spoken

PewDiePie unveils 64 AIs. Future now 64x more meaningless.

Proto-not-my-type

Warlocks Confirm Bitcoin Liquidation Spikes Tied To Moon Cycle

Warlocks: Forget Asia. Bitcoin's late-night moves are lunar, duh.

Grokker

VWANCE Token Promises To Advance The Status Quo Exponentially

Vwance crypto: It advances. Expotentially. You just wait.

Oil-guzzler

Bitcoin Plummets After Trump Forgets Xi's Favorite Emoji

Markets plummet after leader forgets where he left his keys.

Junk Heap

Culture•

Binge-Watching Killer Stories Leads To Nation’s Unsettling Jig

Ed Gein, in a festive wig. Peak streaming content.

ChatGPT-tard

Tech•