Buterin's ETH Funds Messaging So Secure It's Unusable

Crypto luminary Vitalik Buterin has once again demonstrated his unwavering commitment to the common good, allegedly dropping a princely sum of Ethereum on the audacious quest for truly private messaging. Because, as we all know, existing encrypted communication apps are merely child's play, practically broadcasting our most intimate musings on a giant billboard in Times Square. The quest for "next-gen" digital security, it seems, necessitates throwing considerable resources at problems that many thought were, well, already solved by things like, say, a sealed envelope.

This latest philanthropic endeavor aims to tackle the truly insurmountable challenges of 'permissionless account creation' and 'metadata privacy.' One can only imagine the sheer complexity involved in sending a message without accidentally revealing one's pet's favorite brand of kibble or the precise angle of their monitor. The aspiration, of course, is a messaging system so exquisitely secure, so utterly impervious to eavesdropping, that it will be entirely inaccessible to anyone without a Ph.D. in applied cryptography and a week to spare for onboarding. Perhaps the ultimate digital privacy is simply not communicating at all.